Susannah's Saga

Seeking First in 2012

2011-12-30T23:02:00.000-08:00

Hello!
There are a great many things I could write about right now, but the one that stands out to me now is the concept of seeking the kingdom of God.

It says in Matthew 6:33: "But seek first the kingdom of God and his righteousness, and all these things will be added to you."

I've been praying for a greater dose of faith as I have approximately $1,500 left to go for Israel. It feels like doing the dishes-you turn around, and there's way more than you thought left to go! It has been a little disheartening to say the least. I have to admit I have been living from my mind and flesh recently, being consumed with how can i earn money and what did i do wrong and what if it doesn't come in...
Today I was struck in a new way this gentle demand of the Lord's, SEEKING FIRST THE KINGDOM. I was challenged by what that looks like in my life. Matthew 6:33 doesn't say, "If you're smart, all these things will be added to you" or "If you're more frugal, all these things will be added to you" or even "If you're good enough all these things will be added to you". NO! With Him, it is always about the relationship! He just wants to be sought. He wants to be worshiped, to be explored, to be the bigger dream than even the things you ask of. He wants to be loved. And He wants His kingdom reflected in your life.
In two days, a new year begins. I don't do this often, but I really want my #1 desire and goal for 2012 to be seeking His kingdom like I never have before. And not just because I want/need "all these things". I was on a walk today where I blurted out to Him, "I just want to do Your will." He responded, "You want to have a full life in Me. That's what you want--living in my will is part of it."
It's true, I do want a full(er) life in Him. I feel like recently I've just been scraping along, trying to find my joy in people and the holidays and the future, which can be all too easy for me sometimes. I have been realizing how my life here could potentially already be 1/4 of the way over (not to be morbid)....and while it seems I have a lot of time left, I do not want to live the rest of that time like I have this quarter. I want to live each day with purpose and seeking His face...not perfect, but choosing life and love more often than not.

There are a few things that stand out that I really want to focus on--

~Abiding in Him--whether I'm in the prayer room on my knees, walking to class, in class, doing homework, talking to a girl at lunch, in the shower....I'm craving that constant communication which has been lacking. I just want to BE in His presence, no striving.
~Eating His Word--I want His word to be tattooed on my heart and mind....I want it to consume me and to guide me! I want to prioritize it more. I want it to captivate me again in a new way. (Not to mention I'm going to Israel and I don't think I'll look at the Bible the same ever again!)
~Discipline--I need to be refined by Him...and I need to still myself so I can hear Him. I want my words and actions to reflect everything I believe about Jesus. I want to develop healthy habits and disciplines that will be life giving.

This year is also a neccesary time to be intentionally fixing my affections towards Jesus....I always figured that in 2012 I would get married (first comes college, then comes marriage...etc.). While I have been increasingly content with the timing He has for me, it is still hard, especially with "everyone" around me in that boat. And my desire for children only grows by the day. Please pray for greater faith in these areas too.

Lastly, on January 9th when we all get back to school I am speaking to the house about "guarding your heart". Please pray for insight & confidence for me as I pray about it/speak and that He would use me.

P.S> Not lastly! ;-) I am basically deciding the teaching route I am going next month--bilingual (a much larger leap of faith, scares me to death, exhilarating, what I feel called to) or ESOL (less stress, perhaps less of what I really want to do, the "easy" way out). Not a super big deal in the scheme of things, but still a decision that will carry consequences (not all bad) in the upcoming years. I've been feeling very unconfident in my Spanish as I haven't had a good place to use it and I just hear whispers of failure all around me for student teaching next year! Pray that He would reiterate my identity to me.

I appreciate every prayer, thank you!!!
Blessings to all in 2012, He is soo good and faithful!!

(my little miracle cousin Mia and I over Christmas :-)

Loving Our Kids

2011-12-12T23:23:00.000-08:00

It may seem way too early for most people, but I have been wanting to read "Loving Our Kids on Purpose" (Danny Silk) for some time now, and I am finally getting the chance over Christmas break! (this 4 week break is amazing for a lot of reasons!) I figure being a mom is probably still years down the road, but I want to have as much wisdom as possible beforehand, since I feel it is one of my biggest callings! :-) Not only does it change the way to think about parenting, but it has been mindblowing, changing the way I think about how God the Father interacts with me. It has also allowed me to see how the way I was raised wasn't 100% a reflection of the Kingdom of Heaven (I already knew that--but it is good to see things clearly and to be able to forgive as they come up). It's good just to soak in truth.
I think so far the line that has gotten to me the most is "The way we live our lives shows Jesus the value we have for our connection with Him."
I long to have such a strong heart-to-heart connection with my Jesus above all else, and to have that reflected someday in my parenting.
Somewhere in these four weeks I am also finishing the last two weeks of Breaking Free (from summer), working with my dad in construction, visiting with family from Chicago, making Christmas gifts with as little money possible, just resting,and much more.
The last few days I have felt little injections of faith being shot into my heart, regarding finances, the future, etc. which is a blessing. Thank you so much for your prayers--pray that I will continue to rest and hear from the Lord over the break.
Blessings!

My Dreams

2011-11-06T20:54:00.001-08:00

Today in church we sang a song and part of it really got to me today.
"All of my ambitions, hopes and plans..I surrender these into Your hands.."

For a long time I had felt a little disconnected from the Lord and even feeling like He didn't want to fulfill any of my dreams or that He was going to withhold from me. I wasn't trusting His goodness, and was believing silly lies. Today I walked to Qdoba after my run, my favorite restaurant where I always have some of the best times with the Lord, and I clearly heard him say to me, "I want you to tell me all your dreams, every dream you've ever had, any hope or plan you've formed in your heart." I think at first I kind of rolled my eyes at Him (oops, sorry Lord! :-) and he said, "No, seriously, I want you to tell me!" It was interesting to verbally be able to express everything I have/have had in my heart. I heard the Lord say, "Ok...I want to surpass those."
AHHH!
I think that those times when we feel him "withholding" or "not answering our prayers" or "ignoring us" or "trying to punish us", he is really just saying..."I actually have something in mind that you will like far better!" ...or that will be better for me. Or that maybe my timing is imperfect.
Another thing I realized about my dreams is that they were all kind of surfacy. I mean, wanting a husband and kids and all are big things, but most things were circumstancial. I feel He is challenging me to ask for things that require more faith and that have more Kingdom value. Yes, He dearly loves my heart and all the things I have already asked--but He wants to do more work. He WANTS to answer more, and things that I think would never happen.

He is blowing my mind! I have four more days of school and then I'm off to a fall retreat with the Calvary college group in Sunriver. I'm SO looking forward to the rest and what God is going to do, as well as getting to know more people!

Also, my testimony went well last week, thanks for the prayers! He always uses the weak to lead the strong.
Well, I should get back to my schoolwork.....
oh, also, I will be fasting from sugar this week....feel like that's been controlling me a bit lately.
Have a great week!

racing...peppermint hot chocolate...my future

2011-10-29T00:34:00.000-07:00

This will be a somewhat random post...but then again, nothing too unusual ;-)

One of my new dear friends, Carissa, works at Starbucks and she often brings home drinks to surprise people. Today I was the lucky recipient and I woke up and walked out to the study room to find a peppermint hot chocolate on my desk (how did she know it was my fave?? anyways.:) I was about to go for a run (more on that later) but I saw this large drink and thought, "well, I better drink this now!" I heard the Lord invitingly call me back to my bed to have some good quality time with Him. "Come drink some hot chocolate with me, and spend time with me!" I definitely felt His extravagant love--of giving without expectations.

It had been a rough last couple days wallowing in my flesh, and I knew that I had been avoiding this time--but praise the Lord, He broke through that and spoke truth to me.

This same friend also inspired me to think about running a 15k race (9.3 mi) this March in Portland. I had started running regularly this summer but dropped it once school started. However, having this goal and challenge in mind has motivated me to start running again! I can now go up to about 4 miles. The Lord is using this so much already to teach me about my walk with Him. And not surprisingly, he has pointed out Hebrews 12 to me multiple times, about stripping off everything that hinders us and entangles us to run the race with perseverance. There is so much "stripping down" he has to do in me, and I feel I am so much more aware of that when I am running and I have something physical to relate to. He wants me to be able to run lighter, freer, longer, harder. My eyes are straight ahead, not looking to the right or left in comparison, but Ahead to the Author and Perfector of my faith.

And I can't tell you how many people I have told about this race in my excitement (there are around 15 or so girls that are also doing it now!) Yesterday when I was running, he clearly said, "The more people know, the less you can back out."

This is true in both senses of the word. I can't back out of this 15k, now that I have so many people keeping me accountable. In my community of believers, I couldn't back out of a relationship with Jesus if I wanted to; there are too many and they love me too much. (although yes, I still have free will--just like I could decide not to run the 15k).

Running is still very painful at times and I ask myself WHY am I doing this?! I would much rather just walk or bike. But the great race that we're in now isn't always pleasurable--sometimes it is hard and sacrificial--but it is always worth it, and our prize is glorious.

Jesus believes in me. He chose me first. He loved me first. This is a revolutionary truth when I am making decisions about the future--today for instance. I had an advising appointment so I could find more info about/apply for the bilingual endorsement (teaching in Spanish and English) or just the ESOL (helping non-native English speaking students). The last few years my gut instinct has been to teach in Spanish and English, but lately I have wavered due to my lack of confidence in my abilities to do so. When I am making decisions, are they based off of my flesh or off of faith? I hope today I made a decision of faith when I chose to do the bilingual endorsement, which scares the crap out of me but...does require a massive amount of faith in Him who called me. And since that meeting, I have felt increasing JOY and excitement. Though some obstacles do intimidate me, I am glad if this is the path He has chosen for me, because He wants to PROSPER me. (Jer 29:11)

And I can't express how much I am in love with Hispanic kids and how I long to be their teacher--and their role model--someone they would visit in years to come, someone that whispered Jesus to them, maybe spoke into some of their giftings. Someone that quieted their nerves about living in a different country (or maybe just a crazy white woman that really loved them. ;-)

There is a good chance that I would get to stay and teach in Corvallis, as there is a need...and that thrills me, but really I could go anywhere...and that overwhelms me, for I want to go EVERYWHERE. Every time I look at a map my mind races at all the options. Lucky for me, Jesus is my Shepherd and will lead me to green pastures. He knows where I am to be, and He loves giving good gifts. Haha. How amazing! I am so excited for the adventure that is the future but trying to remember to keep both feet planted here for the time being as I love on 40-some college girls and read and study for copious amounts of time to pass classes I need to pass to be a teacher. My hands are open, and who knows what He will give and take away. I am not to boast about tomorrow, for I am not even promised tomorrow.

p.s. please pray for me on monday night, I am giving my testimony to the house!

Thanks for letting me spill that out...I have no emotions left now! ;-)

Thoughts from the Library

2011-10-06T14:42:00.000-07:00

Here I am, on the 6th floor of the library, in a nice, secluded, quiet room (quite the opposite of Charis :) Lately I have been consumed with anxiety about my future and I wanted to get some thoughts out.

First, being in the house, especially as "house mom", you don't particularly feel the urge to go and study all the time..and in fact can be quite a feat if you get distracted as easily as I do :-) There are girls to talk to, fun to be had, etc...not to mention, I have SO much reading to do that I don't even know where to start..so sometimes I DON'T, which makes me even further behind...
So that's been my life the past 2 weeks thus far!

I am going to start fasting and praying soon about why my motivation for school is lacking, if I am truly on the right path, and how He can be a bigger part of my studies, driving everything I do.

Yesterday I had an appointment with my education advisor where I turned in a packet of things to move onto the next level--get accepted into the double degree program. (education + Spanish). NEXT WEDNESDAY I will have a professional interview with a few staff members and a few other students and that will ultimately determine if I get in or not.
{I also found out I will be graduating Spring '13, which is almost 2 more years of school including student teaching. I will most likely be student teaching in an awesome bilingual school here..and who knows, maybe the Lord will let me stay here for a while to teach!}
I have been feeling super attacked about it and feeling that I am completely incapable, stupid, and unconfident, that they will think that I have no potential. I have realized that these are lies, but I'm finding it hard to really believe what He says is truth.
I had an 'aha' moment last year when He told me the reason I wasn't feeling super motivated in school/doing as well in school was because I had always thought it the back of my head that I was stupid, and that I shouldn't even try because I was so unintelligent. I think this is creeping back in again.
I do know there is so much I need to grow in when it comes to teaching--especially in Spanish, ahh! But I always think about how strongly he has placed this desire on my heart since I was 4 years old.
So anyways, if you could be praying for the interview next week and just that I will be believing His truth and that my confidence would be in Him. I just want His will to be done in this situation--and in the grand scheme of things, this is just a little blimp on the radar (yet something He cares about so much!)
Also continued prayer for balancing my girls and school. Even if I do do all the studying I need to, I want to appear and be available to them. I also need to do pretty well in the rest of my classes I take, so my diligence will only need to improve.

I want my eyes and heart to be focused on the KINGDOM OF HEAVEN above all else. Which can be hard to do in this environment where all are focused so heavily on careers.

Thanks for letting me ramble. I appreciate all the love and prayers! Time to get to studying now ;-)
Suse

Divine appointment in Newport

2011-08-21T00:57:00.000-07:00

I have a fun story to tell. May God receive all the glory!

The last few weeks, up till yesterday, were kind of dry. Not super bad but just not super fulfilling. Not really spending that much QT with Him. Ya know.

Today I had my mom's car and I was gonig to drive back to Corvallis at some point during the day. So many possibilites of what to do, I never have a car! On the way there I just started being honest with the Lord and started pouring out my heart to Him. It's a blessing there wasn't a CD in the car, otherwise I would have just sung in auto-pilot. But it was just me an' Him.
He met me there, and he started singing songs over me, beautiful ones. My heart was being filled and places being healed. I knew that today was just supposed to be me and Him! Suddenly I had an intense craving to go to the beach, just the two of us. Had never done that before.
Then I suddenly decided to call a friend from Charis and see if she wanted to come. She couldn't, which confirmed it was just supposed to be us. I dropped in at Charis and threw some things together, and hit the road. {When I have a goal in mind, I get super impatient and hurry as fast I can to get there ASAP. It's probably a good thing I"m not married yet--I can't be waiting for people! haha)
Also, I was a little hesitant at first to go, because I had been feeling guilty about spending money, even for gas. The Lord was teaching me a load of things today, including the truth that He gives me permission to be extravagant in order to love Him sometime. The purpose of the day just reverberated LOVING HIM--and no one else. I actually kept thinking i was going to run out of gas on the way to Newport. He kept saying, "stop looking at the meter. I'll get you to the gas station." Even though I had to keep checking, He indeed got me there. I filled up, and because the traffic was crazy to turn left to where I needed to go, I turned right, then left into the Thriftway parking lot. As I was about to exit the lot, I saw nearby on the sidewalk an older lady in a wheelchair with glasses staring into space, holding a cardboard sign that I couldn't read because of the size. There was also a fellow a few yards away under a tree that looked homeless.
Instantly I knew I was supposed to talk to them, do something. I had given up more opportunities in my lifetime than I've liked, and it wasn't about to happen again. Besides, I was finally alone which gave me the freedom to stop, and i could easily park nearby.
I parked the car and prayed (a little frantically!) to the Lord. I just asked for boldness over and over, and the Holy Spirit. I asked for words and wisdom. Then I got out, approached the lady in the wheelchair and introduced myself. Her name was Louise. The sign read something like "An act of kindness or charity" implying that she needed some kind of help. As I talked to her, she pointed out her left leg that looked burned, and she explained she had gotten in a bike accident and it had become infected. "I'm out of penicillin, the doctors didn't give me enough penicillin..."
I asked her what she would like.
I first thought to ask her about food, and she agreed to me getting some for her. She mentioned she'd just been eating a lot of garlic and peanut butter. She motioned to Kenneth, the guy, and told me to talk to him and see what would be good for her to eat. I met Kenneth, a person rough on the outside but sweet on the inside.
Sandwiches, he said. And ice cream? I asked. Nah, you don't have to do that.
With a smile in my heart I paced around Thriftway stoked to be able to bless them. A few large sandwiches, apples and Haagen Daz bars later, I first went to Louise to give her the food. She thanked me and before I knew it I was declaring to her that the Lord loves her....that He wants her to know Him...that she has so much hope...(by this time I was sobbing..and that never happens)....that he is alive right now and listens to her....
Right away, tears were flowing down her cheecks, although she tried to maintain a straight a face. "I grew up Catholic..." was one of the first things she said. She didn't have many words, but I could tell something shifted in her spirit. I asked if I could pray for her, and there on my knees I prayed for her, not caring about the strange looks I must have been getting. :-) She was crying some more. I wanted to give her my phone number, and we had a good laugh as I tried to get a pen out of my purse and found melted chocolate over everything (typical). As I gave it to her I also mentioned I live in Corvallis, go to OSU, and her eyes lit up a little before saying she and Kenneth go there for doctor appointments and such. I told her to feel free to call me anytime, I'd love to see them again. We said goodbye and then I went over to Kenneth.
I gave him his food, and sat down next to him. In similar fashion, I started pouring out the truth about the Lord to Him. He also started tearing up and trying to hold it in. He says he talks to God every day. But that sometimes he wonders if He hears him. Yay! A lie detected that I would get to shine His light on. I honestly can't remember what all I said, but I trust the Spirit was talking :-) He was also very thankful and he seemed excited that he might get to come visit sometime. I waved goodbye as I drove off.
About 12 minutes later, as I pulled up to my favorite beach, I looked over and noticed the bag with Louise's food! I was immediately bummed--I was so excited I forgot to leave the food! :-) Immediately I sped out of there and went back to the store to return the food. As I turned into the place where they were, my heart sank as I saw no sign of them.
I told God I wanted to see them again and to please help me find them!
About 5 minutes later, I saw a man in a wheelchair by the Thriftway. Well, maybe at least I can give it to someone. My heart was already aching thinking about just taking off with the food and Louise being disappointed. As I drew nearer, I saw it was Kenneth! I got excited and he said she was just going to come out of the store. Excitedly I called her name when she got out and I handed her the bag. It seemed like a wave of hope had hit her, praise the Lord. "I just wanted to say hi to you guys again!" I said with a laugh. We said goodbye and I ran off to the car (of course I had left my keys on the seat :)
I arrived at the beach and my joy level was off the radar!!!! I was laughing, crying, yelling, singing and dancing to the Lord. Felt so joyful to be used by Him, especially because I was so weak and He helped me. Such a small thing, but in a big way He increased hundred fold my faith and joy! He was teaching me so much today.
I enjoyed the {wonderful, Oregon, freezing} water and laid on my blanket as He taught me some more from the Word. (that's another post). Then I put on my running shoes and ran as the sunset joined me. It was exhilarating and the Lord was romancing me to no ends.
Here are some pics of tonight:

Praying that He sends some more divine appointments my way; they are way too fun to pass up! :-) He is soo good, may He get all the glory and praise.

Precious Vases

2011-07-12T17:01:00.000-07:00

So Jesus has this beautiful light filled room in Heaven that has a shelf in it.

This shelf is chalk-full with a stunning array of different vases, each vase being a dream or desire or vision of my heart.

He doesn't forget about these vases, which is why the room is always lit with a warmish yellow glow.

He is currently working in the garden outside the room, tending to the vast myriad of flowers, multi-colored, of course. He joyfully and diligently prepares the flowers and bouquet that he yearns to fill the vases with.

The shelf never lingers lonely enough to accumulate dust. The Father brushes it off, beams with pride. An angel visits the room, admiring the vases, which brings Him more glory.

Sometimes I feel that he has forgotten about my many empty vases---but this is far from the truth.

"Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a longing fulfilled is a tree of life."

{Proberbs 13:12}

The last week or so it has been overwhelming at times to feel such longing, especially to get married and for kids. Sometime it aches in the pit of my stomach. Sometimes I am confused. Frustrated. Bitter. Envious. Impatient.
But lately I have been picturing my shelf, "Lily's Shelf" in the Lord's room where he has not forgotten a single thought of mine.

"How precious to me are your thoughts, O God! How vast is the sum of them!" {Psalm 139:17}

If you see this

Nollie Fe, Liv Sela, Kiam Bréde, Abel Jaem

Nollie, Kiam, Liv and Abel

on my computer screen, you know I have been dreaming about my future younguns! :-)

With that said, I have been enjoying basking in the Presence and Healing of my sweet Jesus. I know I have a long journey ahead of me, but today He wants to just enjoy the day with me! Ahhhh he has sooo much He just wants to bestow on me, let my heart be open to receive it in grace and faith!

Summer is going well. Busy but well. School, tree flagging, Breaking Free (Beth Moore), good friends, weddings and my banjo have been taking up a good chunk of my life.

Here is a little update of my life through pictures (some a little older :-)

The Lord is relentless.

Well, back to procrastinating! :-)

"Don't you worry honey, life is more than just money..."

2011-06-20T22:31:00.000-07:00

I was walking back from Freddy's today and was consumed with thoughts of worry about $$ and how I was going to be able to pay x about of expenses. Then I listened for a sec and heard the Lord sing over me "Don't you worry honey..."
I got all settled in at Charis last night with my friend Rebes in our new room and we went grocery shopping for the first time as independents. So weird. Anyway, although the Lord has been SOO generous and good in providing a job for me, at least till mid July (more details later!), there are still a lot of holes to be filled financially, especially with school stuff, and just thinking about Israel stresses me out. I don't want to live day-to-day in stress and fear.
It seems He keeps bringing me back to Matthew 6 like every day. Today He zoomed in on the part that says "Your heavenly Father already knows all your needs..." (vs. 31)
Nothing I ask or tell Him shocks or overwhelms Him. Disappoints Him. Puts a load on Him that He can't bear. Why do I have so little faith?! His eyes pierces through my life to the needs and desires I can't even fathom. I know He journals about my life every day, His thoughts outnumber the grains of sand...surely He has some solutions up His sleeve! Surely He is my Shepherd and my Daddy and my Portion.
I wonder if I will ever get this lesson down pat or if every time, He will need to teach me to trust. Either way, I am trying to live out "So don't worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will bring its own worries. Today's trouble is enough for today." (Matt 6:34)
On the bright side, I am already enjoying living here and I KNOW that it is a summer of intense growth, discipline, healthy habits and also fun and enjoying my favorite season of the year.
My bed calls.

Because I need to procrastinate...

2011-06-06T23:05:00.000-07:00

I will give you an update! ;-)

Tomorrow, I will...
take my last final, finish my last paper and be done with school!!!!!
go home to see my grandma from Texas
turn in my ISRAEL DEPOSIT!! (thank you LORD)

Wednesday, I will
turn around and go BACK to Corvallis, because I will be talking to the OWNER OF COLD STONE :-) Please pray for favor! I am completely amazed at the Lord's timing in provision.
come back to Portland...

Friday, I will
see my cousin and best friend graduate high school!
meet my baby cousin Mia (and spend more time with fam)!! :-)

It is a good and full week. Thank you for all the prayers that have been sent out on my behalf.

Stream of Consciousness

2011-05-28T23:08:00.000-07:00

SOO much has been going on lately...so many thoughts, so many revelations, so many ups and downs....I thought I would just express the ones that come to mind first.

-I'm finding myself right before dead week, feeling DEAD! Granted, I am taking 18 credits, but let's just say my to do list is one whole page long, and one item is "10 page research Spanish paper"....however, just 10 more days till relative freedom! haha

-I've been meditating on what true beauty really is and looks like. I've been striving to look into my heart more often than in the mirror.

-Jordan and I prayed for Blanca on Thursday (our last day volunteering of the term) for her back that was seriously injured in an accident years ago and for eating allergies that makes everything cause her stomach to hurt. She was grateful and open to us praying for her, and although we haven't heard anything yet, I know Jesus is going to start/continue to captivate her.

-I've been convicted of how I haven't been using my most basic gifts this year-- some, for a long time, some, for months. Including: just sitting down with an instrument and making music, my own song to the Lord....writing poems.....etc.

-I just want to KNOW THE LORD. Funny how years go by of "knowing the Lord" and yet you get to a place where you just WANT TO KNOW THE LORD. Maybe I'm the only one. I've also been strongly convicted of leaning heavily on others' revelations, stories, blogs, encounters, talents, and not making my relationship with the Lord my own. BAM. "Draw near to the Lord and He will draw near to you." So simple, yet so often I miss that. I told someone the other day how I just want to have an adventure everyday with Jesus, no matter where it is or what I'm doing.

-Pretty positive I am going to Israel :-) :-) please continue praying for peace and provision!

-Excited about rooming with one of my best friends, Rebes, again this summer! I have seen the Lord transform her life SOO much just in this year it is amazing to watch. Her love and joy for the Lord is so contagious...I am grateful to have a genuine friend like her--she is defnitely one of those I always prayed for! :-)

(Rebes and I at Garden Party, one week ago)

-Taking on more responsibilites for management...realizing more and more how stretched I will be! But also doing things that a year ago I would have been terrified of doing. The Lord is good and knows my limitations. I am so blessed though, to be doing this with my best friend Jules and we have already grown a lot closer through it. We are praying about studying spiritual gifts next year. (last year was Galatians-Colossians, this year was women of the Bible, etc...)

-Also, I will be kind of leading a summer small group with Rebes this summer for girls that are staying here (and there are many!) We will be doing the Breaking Free study!! Part of me is scared because I know how intense it is, but I know that it will be soo good and....freeing. I really need to be challenged this summer and grow a lot....and be prepared for the things He's gonna call me to next year.

-Feeling somewhat hopeless again about future husband, but at the same time not really dwelling on it. Part of me knows that he has to come sooner or later because of all the prayers that are forwarded to God on our behalf :-) Lately, I've really just been aching to have kids. My 21st birthday is next month and already I am feeling older, haha. I am so grateful for how the Lord is protecting me, though. I am grateful that I know WHY I am single. I am grateful that I am so grateful for Charis and that even now I am looking forward to all the new friendships I will make next year in my last year here. I am grateful I get to have fun every single day here, and get poured into and get to pour into.

-Adding onto that, so often i have prayed for my future husband and that God will be working in him. When I was on a bike ride the other day, God gently said, "what if it's YOU I'm waiting for?" (not him). That was humbling. I still have so much healing and maturing to do. Also in the times when i would think of what my future husb would be like or what he would do for me, I have been stopping and thinking of ways that I could serve him or bless him. It is much more joyous and freeing.

-Looking forward to getting a banjo this summer (Lord willing! :) I have already had so many bits of songs run through my head, and I think, that would be so perfect for the banjo! There are times when I think, music is what I need to do the rest of my life. Feeling overwhelmed at times with my future.

-On that note, I've been feeling exceptionally foreign-country sick lately. I wish I had a problem with homesickness, but it is always the other. Just today my heart has longed to be in Costa Rica, Mexico, Florida, New Mexico, Alaska, Honduras, Cuba and Norway. It is so hard to think about so many opportunities, so many places, and wanting to do them ALL. Meet every single person, visit every single town. It overwhelms me consistently and I hope it's something He will free me from. Even thinking about going to Israel next spring break, part of me is thinking, "Why am I not going back to Costa Rica? I told them I'd visit as soon as possible..." Then there's YWAM...which i KNOW i need to go to, but I have no idea when. Soo..you get the point!

-Excited to see Oma, my grandma in two weeks after 2 years of not seeing her! Also to finally get to meet my Mia girl in 2 weeks for Milly's graduation!!! :-)

-Well, that's probably quite enough of my heart right there! ;-) Better write another page before I go to bed. Thanks for reading this, and may you be blessed.

Ariana

2011-05-20T21:32:00.000-07:00

Through my volunteering experience, I have met a wonderful, beautiful woman named *Ariana from El Salvador.
The first time I tutored her in English was a little over a month ago, and we got to talking about her story (with many difficult parts) and I felt such an overwhelming, heavy burden for her. I sensed opression and hurt. We also talked about her beliefs, and how she and her husband started going to a Gnostic group...it seems a little similar to Buddhism..she talked about how it was "so hard". Talked about mantras and weird prayers and dying to your self. There was then a pause and I felt I HAD to share..that Jesus had to overflow into my words! I got to briefly describe the relationship I have with Jesus and how it has given me life and love and peace. It was one of the few times I have taken the opportunity to just simply share about my life with a non-believer--and it just came out, naturally.
Ariana is 26, has been married for 10, has a few Salvadoreno friends here, but spends quite a bit of time alone. That is about to change! :-)
I then saw her again two weeks ago and I ended up mentioning Cold Stone somehow and she said how she'd never been there. Well anyways, tonight we went!! It was so beautiful...we had no problems talking (Spanish and English, of course :-) and it felt like such an honor to spend time with her even though she was thanking me profusely for everything. She already feels like a good friend. We have plans lined up for going to the movies, going to Pastini's where she works, going bike riding this summer, practicing my Spanish with her this summer (and vice versa), teaching her to knit, cooking Salvadorena food, even talking about her future kids that will hopefully be coming soon :) All this to say, I feel like we will be friends for a long time and that God put me in her life (and hers in mine) for a reason. I do not see her as a project or my "mission". All I know is that I'm supposed to, and that I yearn to love her with the love of Christ and that He will use me according to His will. And He is always faithful to give me the words. I started tearing up on the way home tonight just being so humbled that He could use me to be the person in her life to give her hope, and a taste of Jesus. I am so incapable on my own. ANYWAYS.

OHhhh...how could I forget. So you probably know I have been praying big time for a job this summer...anyways I was telling her about it today. She said very casually that it would probably be no problem to get me a job at Pastini's where she works. AND Qdoba, which is one of the top places I would love to work, because she also has a friend that works there! And I applied at a nearby Craft Store today because the opportunity arose and that also seems promising. I feel like today has been one big "HA!" from Jesus to all the doubts and insecurities I had about His providing.

Anyways, i am one fufilled girl today...rejoicing in His goodness. Looking forward to what tomorrow brings.

Blessings,
Suse

*name changed for privacy

PASS!

2011-04-26T16:27:00.000-07:00

I got extremely exciting news yesterday that I PASSED my math re-take test!!!!! Now I can apply for the double degree program in June like I'm supposed to....phew, what a relief! The Lord is so faithful. I knew, driving to Portland to take the test, that He told me it would be fine and that He would give me favor. Wow, He is so gracious. And not only that, but I got a higher score than my writing score! (which NEVER happens)

His love never fails, it never gives up, it never runs out on me.

That's all for now, must get back to studying. Blessings~~~~

K- Two More Songs

2011-04-20T23:02:00.000-07:00

Sometimes I have no words and just songs, like today. I have been listening to these two nonstop, and they're definitely worth the time.

You've got a hold on me Jesus! :-)

and

Without Your presence I'm not living!

Ahhhh......

Fresh Song

2011-04-15T15:55:00.000-07:00

Lovin this song today.....

Be refreshed in the joy of the Lord!

Strike the strings on my heart

And I’ll sing your melodies

A hymn of love, songs of blood

Spilling from my mouth

And all of my praises, whoa oh oh oh oh

Belong to you

Pluck my heart like a harp

And sing salvations song

Your praises fill the air I breathe

With the sweetest melodies

And all of my praises belong to you

The Conflict of Joy

2011-04-13T18:15:00.000-07:00

There's a lot of things swirling in my brain right now, but I've had one "issue" particular coming to mind.
"Weep with those who weep, rejoice with those who rejoice..." (Somewhere in the NT)
So many times I have been the victim, the self-pitying one that is envious of other people's joys. Many times. I am generally pretty good at rejoicing with them, even if I have to stare into my own pit afterwards. I love rejoicing when me and a friend are both in a "great" stage in life (I say "great" because I'm learning even the worst days God makes great..) The one I have been struggeling with lately is when everyone around me seems to be in a pit and I seem like the only one in the world to possess joy. {This is not meant to sound arrogant at all...like I said i've had my fair share of pits!} I tend to feel guilty when I share the awesome things Jesus is doing and saying in my life, and also if my prayer requests are more light hearted. I don't want to put my sister in Christ in a potential place of being envious or frustrated, etc. How do I both empathize and pour into a sister that is "in the pit" AND be honest about where I'm at without tension?
When it gets really bad, I start to question if I really do have joy and if it's ok. HA. Yes, that's where the enemy must come in. I am CALLED to have inexpressible joy....a deep joy that does not wither with circumstance.
"Though you have not seen him, you love him; and even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy." -1 Pet. 1:8
The Lord is slowly teaching me things but I would also love any wisdom. I'm sensing humility is a key word and having the willingness to bear one another's burdens, while letting God's joy within me overflow and uplift that person.

Well, back to studying.......
Blessings!

Someone must have been praying for me

2011-04-05T22:39:00.000-07:00

today because I was PRODUCTIVE and MANAGED MY TIME and did not fell bound to things that waste time! It's such a good feeling, maybe this will stick around for a while! :-)
21 credits, day 7 and I'm still alive!
The Lord is good.

CUTE!

2011-03-27T17:52:00.000-07:00

Saw this the other day....doesn't it remind you of the childlike faith we are to have?!?!

:-)

I survived San Fran and I am more than happy to be back and to undertake this crazy term! The Lord showed me a lot over break and though it is not all easy stuff I am going through right now, I am learning to not dwell on the problems, the crap, the sin, the stress, the worries....and focus on HIM and who He is and what HE can do. It makes a world of a difference.

I thought it would be an appropriate time to bring up my life verse:

Psalm 73:21-26 NLT
"Then I realized that my heart was bitter, and I was all torn up inside.
I was so foolish and ignorant-I must have seemed like a senseless animal to you.
YET I STILL BELONG TO YOU. You hold my right hand.
You guide me with your counsel, leading me to a GLORIOUS DESTINY.
Whom have I in heaven but you? I desire you more than anything on earth.
My health may fail, and my spirit may grow weak,
but God remains the strength of my heart; HE IS MINE FOREVER."

He is ours forever!!

Snippets

2011-03-21T01:59:00.000-07:00

So much that I could say...here are some snippets in the life of Susannah!

||| Missing my future husband
||| Struggeling with trusting God about said man
||| Heard a little song snippet in my head in the shower today that went something like

I miss You too much when I go a day without coming to You~'cuz a day is too long when Your air fills my lungs and You made me, and You're madly in love with me

||| Sat down the other day with the Word and Jesus told me to read Jonah. It shocked me how many similarities there were between us--I feel like sometimes I want to run away from my Ninevah (Corvallis) and the Lord has recently been challenging the heart I have for students here. Am I passionate to see His mercy and grace and love save these people, or do I just want to see them "get what they deserve" for all the sin I see that entangles them! WOW. Ok, Lord.
||| Starting to plan some good ideas for next year--although the reality hasn't fully set in yet (thank you Jesus for protecting me from going insane already)
||| Missing Costa Rica A LOT....am so itching to leave the country again. Also, missing Mexico A LOT as I was there this time last year.
||| Getting more and more excited to hopefully stay in Corvallis this summer....to take a few classes, work, live under one roof, fellowship with wonderful friends, bike ride every day, soak in the sun, etc...
||| Also getting excited for my crazy term next year, as crazy as that sounds. I'm mainly excited for my volunteer hours, which 4.5 hrs of the week will be spent at the nearby HS tutoring ESL students. Also, the class is great, which is about 17 of us, and Jordan my friend will also be in it, as well as two other awesome Christian girls. I'm praying the Lord will use us in great ways to share God's love. Also, roughly half the class is Hispanic so I always love that. :-)
||| Learning that sometimes I think catching up on people's awesome journeys with Jesus=having my own adventure with Jesus. I'm learning that can "feel legit" but when I look at the foundation it is weak. We're working on that one.
||| On a more random note, I am leaving for San Fran in about 3 hours; I should be sleeping but my stubborn self wanted to stay up until we left :-) Going with Dad, Bev and Miles. Should be fun but please pray.

Well, I might as well get an hour or two of sleep...;-)
Love you all and may you experience more of the Lord's grace today....
Suse

Surprise...

2011-03-14T19:02:00.000-07:00

(me and Julie, 2 years ago)

it is indeed confirmed that we are set out to journey together managing Charis next year!

It is going to be a good year.

A little nervous? Check. A lot excited? Check. A little fearful? Check. Fully trusting in God? Check.

Check, check, check.

So much more to say, but I am blown away by how the Lord has worked in our lives even just this year in preparing us and I know that He his faithful to complete His work through us, as scary as it is.

Getting some good ideas churned up! :-) Thank you for your prayers. Love,

Must Hear Song

2011-03-09T15:21:00.000-08:00

This is my all-time favorite song right now. So simple, so powerful.

Please keep me in your prayers this week as details concerning next year are coming into place. :)

Have GREAT Thursday.

Fulfillment

2011-03-01T22:16:00.000-08:00

Today I checked out the place I'll be volunteering next term (for a Spanish class, but at a Christian organization) and started teaching English to Hispanic adults, mainly new immigrants....
my heart was complete! :-) Especially when they started calling me "Susan" (nickname for Susana in the latin american world) and thanking me at the end when I just wanted to thank them. I am so blessed. Also the awesome woman that directs this ministry/program/whatev and gives me rides there knows a ton of people I do, including several of my best friends.
Anyways, I am so excited............it will be stretching and a little awkward at times and out of my comfort zone, but I am soo ready for it. Also, for the rest of my hours, I'll probably be helping teach ESL classes at the nearby high school.
Thank you Lord for the passions and gifting you have given me so I can give glory back to YOU!

The Famous Question, etc.

2011-02-25T17:30:00.000-08:00

I have heard this my whole life, and I've heard it about three times this week,

How are you ever going to be a mom?

Brought on my faintheartedness and dizziness, grimacing and the sort when I hear or see something that borders something medical...all my friends, at least my good ones, know to just not talk about those things around me (or at least warn me to plug my ears). The newer ones ask the Famous Question.

Yah, I dunno.

I know one thing for sure that my husband better be good with that kind of stuff! :-) It is honestly a fear and dread and pain that looms in my heart when I look to the future. I want to be there for my kids and protect them. But this is something that I am not to worry about now and when and if that time comes, the Lord will take care of it...and I will surrender the fear to Him daily and live from Him daily.

That's the answer folks...

******************************************************************

Learning what a beautiful thing it is to just trust FOR THE DAY. I don't feel like the Lord has ever asked me to give up something in surrender, for the rest of my life, for a year, or even for this week. Many times he just wants me to trust him FOR THE DAY. This brings me so much peace and joy. It also gives me an opportunity to come to Him and rely on Him for something. There are so many things I must offer up in re-surrender to Him daily...much of the time regarding my future.

*****************************************************************

This is my Mia doll, my sweet little cousin/niece whom I have yet to meet but already have so much love for. My heart is aching to see them...

***************************************************************************

I have decided to take 21 credits next term and just feel the most peace about that. I know it will be crazy but honestly I'm excited for a little challenge and to see Jesus come through and help me. I'm still wanting to stay here (in Corvallis) for the summer and work.....so we'll see if the Lord agrees and that will be something fun to look forward to. My first summer "away from home". But I shouldn't be talking too fast. There's still snow on the ground ;-)

The Lord has already been providing for me in crazy random ways. From a check in the mail that was from several months ago for underpaid nannying, to babysitting tonight randomly, and not to mention all the blessings my wonderful friends bestow on me. I am so blessed and grateful.

****************************************************************************

I leave you with one of my most favorite songs right now! Kinda a different sound but I love it.

He is ALWAYS FAITHFUL, ALWAYS GOOD! That is a reason to always have joy in your heart.
Happy Friday.

Please Pray

2011-02-22T18:30:00.000-08:00

I got some big (ish) decisions to make soon regarding school.

Basically either I take 21 credits next term (and go a little crazy) and apply for the double-degree program in June, and finish school "on time"
OR
Not try to kill myself next term and take 18 credits, take one class during the summer (stay in Corvallis), get a job, apply late and go at least another term of school (more $).

I would like to do the latter, but I feel as if I might need to do the first. I'm going to be praying about it/sleeping on it but I register tomorrow. I will probably register for all of them and drop the one if I can later and revert to option # 2.

Please be praying with me for wisdom, clarity, guidance.....thank you prayer warriors!

Rejoicing

2011-02-15T12:45:00.000-08:00

Rejoicing because...
fog has LIFTED and among many awesome things that have been happening, I feel such freedom and joy that I felt I haven't had for a long time.
Even cooler, our house as a whole is getting lit on fire big time by the Holy Spirit and amazing stuff is happening. Last Friday we had an all-nighter in the prayer room in the basement and we stayed up till 4 worshipping and praying and painting and song writing and reading and communing. Holy Spirit came and ministered.
Sunday night, there was another gathering of us girls in the prayer room. A few girls had prompted it to pray for direction for the house and the battle we feel like we're in, and the vision/path we're starting to walk in. It grew into about 8 of us praying individually for each other, praying specifically for each person's giftings and the Lord also bringing much healing and deliverance and freedom! Everyone was speaking prophetic words to each other, and the Spirit came SO thickly. (?)
One girl in particular was really shaken up (in a good way). She had some bonds broken she'd had her whole life, and her tears washed away literally all her makeup which symbolized to her that the Lord had made her clean and pure and new. I've seen dramatic transformation in her just in the last week.
It was a beautiful time and we're having another all nighter this Friday.
Soo thankful for this house and these girls and their desire to press on with me for more things of the Lord and to go deeper and deeper.
Thankful that He has taken away so much man-pleasing spirit and fear and replaced it with boldness, vulnerability, freedom, joy, discernment.

So much more to talk about but I gotta cut it off now! Blessings!

Nuggets for this Single Girl

2011-02-07T22:10:00.000-08:00

If you didn't read my last post, I'm reading through Passion and Purity by Elisabeth Elliot and I have been gleaning some pretty eye-opening nuggets that I've been needing to hear. Here are some of the best quotes:

"Wherever you are, be all there." -Jim Elliot

"Let not our longing slay the appetite of our living." -Jim Elliot

Different ways to accept loneliness/plans that are not our own:

Rebellion- if this is the will of God for me now, He doesn't love me.
Rejection- if this is what God is giving me, I won't have any part of it.
Faith- God knows exactly what He's doing.
Acceptance- He loves me; He plans good thigns for me; I'll take it.

"Every reminder that aroused a longing had to be offered up."

Goooood stuff for me.

Elisabeth

2011-02-06T19:48:00.000-08:00

Over the past day and a half I have been devouring Elisabeth Elliot's Passion and Purity and her and Jim's life have been BLOWING ME AWAY.
Honestly, it just really makes me evaluate my life, my faith. Not compare it, but evaluate it.
I'm sure everyone knows their story so I won't go into detail.

I just cannot imagine having your husband die, that you finally got to marry just a few years before, with a 10 month old baby. I can't imagine STAYING nearby and meeting an "ex-Auca" woman and learning Quichua from her, I can't imagine being invited back to the very forest and tribe that killed your husband, and forgiving them and loving them and pressing on so they might know the Good News. I can't imagine translating the Bible for the first time in a new language, and seeing such transformation that they no longer call themselves "the savage" anymore.

I want to press on to have such a real, tangible relationship with my Jesus and to have such a faith that I would be gladly willing to die for Him. I would love to say with all my heart that that's where I'm at (much like Peter said he would when Jesus told him he would deny Him three times) but honestly, I don't think I'm there yet.

I feel like the fog is slowly lifting and I've been hearing some good things from the Lord, getting a few melodies/songs in my head, etc. More on that later......must go for now but just wanted to say how my world is being rocked right now!!

The Beauty of the Lord

2011-01-29T20:15:00.000-08:00

Today my brother and his friend came down for a visit and we went on a hike to the nearby Mary's Peak, the highest point on the coast range. Although part of it was foggy, it was a SPLENDID view and you could even see part of the ocean. I was just so captivated by the Lord today and I had asked Him to do that this morning. He knows how to get to me. During the hike it was a great time of affirmation from the Lord, of praising Him, of confession and of dreaming.

Before I give you some shots of the day, I wanted to share how I woke up this morning, still half
asleep, thinking about Zacchaeus out of all people. I had never felt a strong relevance to that story until I woke up this morning. It is AMAZING to me how Jesus specifically sought out the tax collector, perhaps the "worst of sinners". He pursued him, wanted to dine in his home...above all the others he could have chosen. He didn't want him to hide anymore. Just being in His presence, Zacchaeus was transformed and immediately set about to changing his life. Jesus says "For the Son of Man came to seek and save those who are lost."
AMEN...ahhhhh....so beautiful..

I have realized that when I spend time in His beauty, I want to be more like Him. There is no possible way to stop that desire.

Well that's it for now...blessings!!

In a Fog

2011-01-25T19:28:00.000-08:00

Kind of feeling like this--in a season of this--right now.

I was walking home last night by myself from the gym and I was trying to dialogue with the Lord and I felt my mind was numb...and it has been numb for a long time I realized. Even my emotions, and my very heart seemed hazy.
Even though I wasn't hearing very clearly from the Lord, ironically I heard that I was in a foggy season. And what do I know, I look up and the sky is all foggy, but just in the general area above me.
I also heard that this time is supposed to test my endurance and persevearance, and that it will expose my foundation and build/rebuild it up.
Please keep me in your prayers!
Thank you..

Stickin' With It

2011-01-22T19:39:00.000-08:00

This is kind of embarassing, but I have a natural tendency to just wanna quit sometimes.

Like earlier this year when I dropped the GEO 300 class because that first paper was just too much for me and I was too overwhelmed. Drop Class CLICK! :)

And how I felt today when I walked out of that building after taking the CBEST (one of the tests to get my teaching license) with the knowledge that I have to retake the math portion. I literally thought to myself--am I really smart enough to be a teacher? Am I being ridiculous, should I choose something else? Am I hearing right from God? I HATE MATH! It's one of those stories I can picture telling to my daughter when she's older and going through something similar, and I tell her, "Sometimes, you just have to stick with it, even though it's not fun or easy...it is worth it in the end."

So I am gritting my teeth and retaking the math part on April 9th (which is NON-CALCULATOR I might add!!) because I know that someday the Lord will help me to be an awesome teacher and change lives. For the record I'm not changing my major.
****
The Lord carried me back home with one of the most ravishing sunsets I'd ever seen, and as some tears ran down with all kinds of emotions twirling in my heart, not just from the test, I could almost see him pull out his little bottle and catch them one by one.

The Lord is good and continues to win me over with His love. This is my favorite verse right now:
"For you shall go out in joy and be led forth in peace
the mountains and the hills before you
shall break forth into singing,
and the trees of the field shall clap their hands."
Isaiah 55:12 {ESV}
Thank you for all your prayers, it really means the world to me.
Love and blessings.
{Suse}
PS Some pics from a little shoot I did with my little sister Ximena in Costa Rica. Missing her/it/them a lot.

Just Checkin' In...

2011-01-18T12:15:00.000-08:00

not a whole lot of things have happened lately...
here are a few things though.

+ I started working in my kindergarten class last week and I am LOVING it! it is so much fun!

+ Praise the Lord, I am feeling MUCH less stressed out and am staying on top of school and such for the most part.

+I volunteered to give a presentation in a Spanish class about Costa Rica, so i have been putting together a slideshow...wow how it makes me miss the place! it is also cool to see how Jesus has helped me overcome my fear of speaking in front of people...

+I am attempting to be healthier in my diet and have set up some general rules for myself....please pray self-control and persevearance for me! :)

+ I have a big test coming up this Saturday for education so i can move on to the next level of my degree! please pray that i have times to study and that it goes well!

Well that's about it for now...back to the homework!

The Lord has been faithful.....

B A L A N C E

2011-01-09T15:15:00.000-08:00

Already up to my neck in 16 credits of overwhelming stress, I am learning I need to learn to balance my life better. I tend to be an all-or-nothing kind of girl. LOTS OF EXERCISE. NO EXERCISE. GOOD TERM, BAD TERM. HEALTHY OR UNHEALTHY. PROCRASTINATION OR STRAIGHT A's. QUIET TIME OR NO QUIET TIME.

In every sense of the word, I just need balance.
How do I balance when my whole world is being rocked by this institution called school?

In working out, in eating habits, in friendships, in real conversations, in my short-but sweet times just with Jesus, in my activities, in finance, in computer time, in taking care of myself, in studying and more, I have been challenged with balance. There are things I tend to sell myself short on when I get super busy and stressed, and other things I do way too much.

I have said before "If I can survive through this term, I can get through anything." However, I want it to be a term where I see the Lord's power, provision, strength and peace come through and change my whole perspective. I am eager to practice diligence and doing everything unto Him. I am not looking forward to juggeling microbiology, teaching practicum and 3 difficult Spanish classes, but I am looking forward to needing Him so heavily.
Please be praying if you think about it. I've been listening to this lovely, powerful song to help me stay focused on Jesus.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R-liS9e2IY8&NR=1

Blessings to you all.

Dreams and Things

2011-01-03T19:53:00.000-08:00

Fun story...
so this winter break I had a random dream where a girl in my house (I don't know super well) got engaged to her boyfriend. I hadn't been thinking about them at ALL or anything. I texted my friend/house manager and told her about it, randomly. She replied, "you are kidding me! I was literally thinking about them an hour ago and was praying for them!"
Well, sure enough, tonight we had a ring ceremony! (a Charis tradition when a girl gets engaged) and they are engaged! I found out tonight that my friend had actually had a dream about them the same night that I did!! The engaged girl was totally excited when she found out about our dreams....kinda funny that I knew like 11 days before her! :)

This isn't the first time something like this has happened and I'm praying for the Lord to increase any gifting in the prophetic.....
MORE dreams, Lord!!!! You are so fun and good...you care about details we wouldn't even think about.
Good to be back at Charis...

16

2010-12-31T01:41:00.000-08:00

I wish it were 16 hours till Corvallis, or a $16 Starbucks card, or 16 brothers and sisters, or nieces and nephews, or 16 people I shared the gospel with...

but alas, it is 16 cavities....of different levels..
not fun.

This made for an awful day yesterday...as my dad lectured me in the car how we don't have $2000 out of pocket money for this...you need to care about your teeth more...and then how i started bawling and then he felt awful....under the circumstances he was probably a lot more calm than I would have been. And then I felt like a jerk that it was partly-mainly my fault he would have to pay all that money....and me feeling guilty about not having a job, on and on.
And then more healing issues come up...but now, they've become sweet times to me. Painful, but times where I feel the Presence so thick and feel Him holding me and speaking truth to me I have never realized before.

On a more positive note, I had a 3 hr dentist appt today to get 4 fillings done--one super deep one that they said might need a root canal--which produced a lot of fear initially...but then the Lord invaded with His peace. First of all I got to listen to music, which was very calming, and then I ended up not needing the root canal, and then there was extra time so I got 4 more teeth done (saving money because today was the last day insurance covered) and then the dentists kept saying funny things...mine and the one next to us that I was laughing uncontrollably (with 100 things in my mouth) and it was actually an enjoyable time. TALK ABOUT HIS MERCIES ARE NEW EVERY MORNING!! :) And the Joy of the Lord...oh it's a beautiful thing.
Anyways....good stuff going on....a lot of conviction, a lot--tons, actually..of the grace of God, lots of hope, lots of excitement, gobs of blessings...I'm so blessed.

Hoping next time the cavity count will be at least under 10 ;)

This was humbling.

Romance blah blah blah blah blah

2010-12-27T00:05:00.000-08:00

I've been thinking about relationships and such a lot more since so many of my friends/acquaintances are getting engaged and married and dating..
Never having dated before I am still clueless about a lot of things... pondering the future and such, I've been a little overwhelmed at the balance of wanting to hold out for the one God has for me (if there is even one), and holding high standards, etc, vs. not being too picky, not expecting him to be like I expected, being somewhat disappointed, etc. Does that makes sense?
I'm pretty sure i haven't met him yet, and it will probably be a long time before i have to worry about any of this, but I'm realizing I still have a lot of fear that either I will never meet him or that I will marry the "wrong" person or....on and on.
What scares me is finally dating someone when I'm, say, 22 years old, and having so much pressure to feel like he is the one, and not wanting to have multiple relationships first, and wondering if there's another one better suited for me....such an unknown world.
Side note, I've felt a little implied pressure from family members about dating someone, because in every way it would appear we were destined for each other. Even though I know it's not supposed to be, it makes me wonder if I am being too picky and holding out for someone that doesn't exist...but I really am not holding drastically unrealistic expectations on someone..I know the greatest man in the world couldn't satisfy me to the level God takes me.

I guess I have a few questions, if anyone has any feedback/experience/wisdom...

~Is it hindering to have a few basic "rules" for the one i marry? (loves the Lord more than me/has a hunger to grow more in the Lord, someone who pursues me and adores me, mutual attraction, enjoy spending time together like best friends, compatible giftings/passions/dreams to give most glory to God, and a desire for children) I don't think it is, but just checking....:)

~Does God ever put a strong desire in someone for marriage/kids who never receives it?

~Is there really ONE person out there that would be the best for you?

~Is it better to be single than to marry someone that isn't completely right for you?

~Is it better to have a casual outlook on dating (esp. for the first time at a later age) and not expect to marry the first person you date, or should you be more serious about each decision?

Obviously i have my own opinions about these but I guess I would appreciate someone else's.
I don't really like to write sappy posts that often, so sorry! ;-)
Tis the season.....

Mish Mash of Christmas Eve Thoughts

2010-12-25T00:51:00.000-08:00

For God loved the world so much that he gave his one and only Son, so that everyone who believes in him will not perish but have eternal life.

{john 3:16}

Undoubtedly a verse I've had memorized since I was about 6, but a verse that keeps striking me in new ways, even at 20 (still can't believe I'm 20!)

God loved the world so much.......
despite all the sins that contaminated our lives. He saw through all the crap and all the humanity and flaws and hurt and everything that was a result of our sinful nature.

His love was unwaverable. And IS unwaverable.
A love that "loved us and chose us in Christ to be holy and without fault in His eyes". And this all gave Him great pleasure. {eph. 1:4}

I just love that He loved us before he chose us. I mean, He made us, and obviously knows every single detail about us. Knows every decision we make. Every thought. Every facial expression.
He loved us because we were the spitting image of Him--through the power of Jesus, we appeared righteous.
He didn't choose us....then think, "Yah right. What was I thinking." And then somehow love us in an obligatory way.
I'm just thinking about when I become a mother and will just stare at my baby, my toddler, my child....delighting in the features that look like me and my husb.
I see God looking down at us and oohing over us. How we are made like Him, each person bearing different quirks and gifts and personalities that reveal a great deal about who He is. This makes Him happy. You give Him joy!!!
The funny thing is , I think we understand just a very small fraction of how we are made to be like Him.

Not exactly sure where this post was going, I guess I'm getting a little tired, but just wanted to share the Lord has captured my heart again.....
despite the zillion times I've messed up lately, HE WANTS TO GIVE ME LIFE, and life abundantly, and just for believing Him......
I just want to live my whole life as a giant mirror that I BELIEVE IN HIM!!!
Surrender...surrender...surrender...

Hope you have a very blessed Christmas celebrating Jesus' birth and presence in your life.....even though one holiday is not nearly enough for Him.

Suse

Singleness~TWO

2010-12-21T01:36:00.000-08:00

Lately I have been very grateful to be able to sleep whenever I please; for me, it is staying up till 3am and sleeping in till 1, and I am not taking it for granted. Although I will be very grateful for the time in my life when I am sleep deprived/early bird/etc due to precious children/having a job/being married, I am basking in the era in my life where I have so much freedom. Carefree. A little lazy. A little spoiled.

Trying to look on the positive side.

His Mercies are New

2010-12-19T00:48:00.000-08:00

To my prayer warriors, thank you soo much for your prayers and words of encouragement/wisdom. I appreciate you guys so much.
Well, last night Jesus caught quite a few tears for His bottle, but today I felt a million times better. And my heart is awakened to places that need healing and learned that I need to be a bit more active in bringing them to His feet and praying, praying, praying, seeking, seeking, seeking, knocking, knocking, knocking. I need to talk to other people. ETC. I guess the hurt gets pushed way down when I am in my Corvallis-Fairytale Land. (loving environment, loving sisters, little to no conflict, no reminders of my past and the problems that still exist).
Being home is good. It is hard, but good. Tears ARE healing, and as I felt the Lord's presence last night I heard him say "This is good for you. You need to do this. Just cry it all out. I'm sorry, sweetie..."etc.
13 more days here.
One thing that made today great was that one of my best friends, Amy (who's parents and home are like my own) got ENGAGED today!!!! I was soo ecstatic for her, my heart bursting in excitement, jumping up and down, probably won't sleep tonight. (I don't want to think about myself getting engaged....heart attack! ;) Their story is so cool...partly because we both met him on the same day when we went to the state fair! Love how the Lord works.....it's always a little bittersweet though. Another friend getting married=less time with that person. But it's natural and seasons of life and all that. Must learn to lose my selfishness :)
Well now that I'm blabbering away I better stop....but thanks again and may you be richly blessed.
suse

Not Done

2010-12-18T00:45:00.000-08:00

...healing yet.
I just want to ask for a lot of prayer in these couple of weeks of break. My heart is breaking and exposing things I didn't know where there, or still there...a lot of stuff mainly from my parent's divorce. Tonight the tears just won't stop flowing....need to spend more time with Jesus...but yah I would just really covet your prayers......
healing is just not so fun sometimes.
thank you.

Feeling so..

2010-12-16T01:49:00.000-08:00

inspired, encouraged, refreshed, excited, and grateful today...

I am so grateful that I have a sphere of influence in every single phase of life... with all that access I have to the Kingdom and all, everything about my life is spiritual and sacred and has room to change society and change lives.....

I guess my mindset has always been once I am....(married, have kids, move to Mexico) will I really do some good work for the Lord. That mindset is being hung upside down, PTL!!

One of the hugest blessings lately is that even though i still deeply yearn to get married and have children, I am seeing what a blessing my life is RIGHT NOW and how many different ways I am/can be influencing people, because I am single. I hope this is not another cliche post, because I feel i am finally grasping this and knowing/living what it means.
He is giving me the freedoom to go out and create, to pour into, to serve, to be available.....

"Dreaming with God" (Bill Johnson) is rocking my world right now!! My whole being lit up when it brought up education, and how more Kingdom people need to be invading education. I KNEW there were reasons I wanted to teach, felt called to teach, but was conflicted because I felt it was a role in which I might feel very trapped, (after all, it's a profession where I'm investing in future generations), a role where I PERSONALLY would not be able to influence children's lives (here's the curriculum, and that's it..), a role that I might not be satisfied with (staying in the same building, same country, for so long..), on and on and on....
well the Lord cast so much light on some of those lies, and I now see so much purpose and vision into what the Lord is calling me into.
"In reality, each person has an area where God has gifted them to excel and it's the wise educator who discovers that area in a child. An excellent teacher will bring excellence out of the one who can't find it in themselves!"
I'm just dreaming of all the room I have for prophecy in my future student's lives. I have the privilege of finding the gold in students, many who may be Hispanic, many who may come from hard backgrounds....
I imagine saying to them, "I don't care what anyone has told you. You will be unstoppable.....you will succeed....you will invent this.....you will design that....you are brilliant....you are valuable....you are a a joy....."
Maybe they won't see it right away, but maybe they'll see it years down the road when they find it to be true and remember what their 2nd grade teacher said. Or maybe they'll be entering middle school and high school and find themselves in a rough patch in life, and think "maybe I'll go talk to Ms. Omundson."
Ok, maybe some of that is cheesy or unrealistic. But I don't doubt what He can do..will do..when I give Him the room. Obviously He would not have put the teaching desire in my heart since the first day of preschool for no reason. Ha. He is so sovereign and in control it is out of control.
This is obviously not for me. Although I find joy in being a vessel for the Lord, my heart dances at the thought of how much glory I'll be able to give him.

I am excited for every stage of my life. {Given, the downfalls are there to give me opportunities for joy and endurance}.
I am thilled to be a college student and single
I will be overjoyed to be a girlfriend, a wife
I will be ecstatic to be a mom, staying at home
I will be blissful to be a teacher
I will be elated to be a YWAM student
I will be delighted to be living in a Latin American country
I will be content to live in the United States
I will be glad to abide in a two-story house and an income
I will be exultant to live in a shack with no real income
I will be joyful to be an aunt, a grandma, a daughter, a friend..

I'm runnin out of happy words, HAHA!
You get my point.
Every circumstance, every arena, every season, every stage, every year, every age, every status
gives room to celebrate Jesus in and to make Him known!!!!!!!

Well, congratulations if you've read all this, especially with my 2 am writing,
so I should think about calming down from my Spirit high, so gooooodnightt!

{My food is to do the will of the One who sent me} John 4:34

Love'n'blessins,
Suse

A Lot on the Heart

2010-12-13T01:28:00.000-08:00

Sorry it has been a while. A lot has been going on--or at least was before school got out :) Been through a lot with the Lord.....so many things I could talk about...but I am in a new season now, and it feels good.
Spent some candlelit quality time with the Lord tonight and He said I was going to receive these things in this new season:
{Wisom, prophecy, healing, tenderness, obedience, genuine love, patience, and true rest}
WOW! With a catch though...
"....But if you do not abide and do not wish to receive, then you shall not."
That is probably my new key word which my eyes have been opened to.

I've been feeling a litte restless lately again.....I close my eyes at night and all I can see is Costa Rica, Mexico...anywhere but where I'm at. I feel like I have such a gypsy heart sometimes.
I'm yearning for a renewed passion, refreshment, purpose for where I'm at at OSU/Charis. Some days are very fulfilling, but for the most part, I'm just wanting the next day to come already so I can get one step closer to my "next big thing". And I know I will be here for about 2 more years....which is daunting to think about. Please pray with me if you think about it.

Last summer, in one of my usual "I want to change the world-move-far-away-let's-look-up-some-ministries" mood, I found this. While reading through it I got the biggest chills/shivers ever all throughout my body that I knew could only come from the Spirit. I stumbled upon it again yesterday and had the same reaction...and again tonight. This is what it is:

Youth With A Mission San Diego/Baja will run a 9 month Children at Risk School (CRS) January 3rd 2011. Raising awareness, giving basic skills, and mobilizing workers to reach at-risk children are our goals. The CRS is a University of the Nations (UofN) accredited course earning 12 credits for the 3 month lecture phase and 12-24 credits for the 3-6 month field assignment.

The school focuses on disenfranchised children, such as orphans, street children, the handicapped and abused. The course content will be taught by ministry and social service professionals experienced in helping at-risk children. The CRS is for those who want to become advocates for at-risk children. This school will multiply leaders who in turn will champion the cause of children through social, political, judicial and spiritual intervention. Students experience God’s heart for justice, defending the cause of the fatherless, rescuing the poor, the weak and the oppressed. It also has an emphasis on human trafficking and will work regularly in the red light district of Tijuana throughout the lecture phase for hands on experience during the course.

Topics covered during the school may be:

· Overview of the issues and needs of at-risk children

· Biblical worldview of children and their development

· Principles of child advocacy

· Assessment and evaluation

· Attachment disorders

· The institutionalized child

· Child development

· God's heart for justice and children

· Child counseling

· Evangelism/creativity

· Health care

· Discovering your potential

· HIV/AIDS

· Restoration of a generation

This pretty much sums up my biggest passion, purpose in life. I believe confidently, Lord willing, that He will bing me here..I just wish it were sooner than later. I'm trying not to think logically (pay ~$3,000 for a school right after graduating...not get a job...etc.) but rather trust in the Lord's timing and not being offended for not knowing the answers.
There's a lot more I want to say but I need to get some sleep...wanted to share this excitement with you!

Blessings,
Suse

***Update....I found out there is the same school (both DTS and Children at Risk) in COSTA RICA..!!! So crazy to think that it was so closeby when I was there. Also, the DTS requires a week for NIKO.....this part made me smile...

...It means a 4 day camp in which we will be challenged to live with little, depend on God and one another and survive the jungle of Costa Rica.

1. Walking on trails (easy and challenging levels)

2. Coming across insects, snakes and wild animals.

3. Crossing streams and rivers.

4. Exercises and games.

Please God?! :)

Thankful...for divine revelations at 2 am

2010-11-26T02:33:00.000-08:00

Up until about half hour ago my day was just not great. I was thankful, but I wasn't feeling thankful. I didn't leave the house all day, and I was just being a slave to sin, letting anger and frustration and impatience and rudeness and impurity and you name it fester in my heart. I was even reading the Word with bitterness and yuckiness in my heart. Luckily, while I was on the computer and was needing to cool down, I ended up watching some Bethel clips--listening to Jenn Johnson and Kim Walker speak about various things and even though I had wronged the Lord many times today, He sweetly drew me back to Him tonight (this morning?! ha!) through the messages and a few songs. I remembered what the sweet Presence was like and I spilled my heart out to the Lord. (I wish a day didn't go by where I have to "remember" what He is like!) I was drawn on my knees and the Lord gave me my own revelations. Sorry if it gets a little confusing, hehe.

I kept picturing myself running through a field, I could see myself coming towards me, beautiful and childlike and flushed. I was flawless and there was a flower in my hair. I wasn't striving; I had everything I needed and didn't have a care in the world. The Lord started describing to me how I interact with people {when I am living in His presence}....telling me how my eyes are full of tender compassion for people..when I listen I can almost see into people's souls (which is crazy because I've just been learning that I have a gift of discernment about spirits and being able to sense heaviness from people's past/burdens they carry). He told me that anyone who interacted with me would be amazed, something/Someone would touch them and they couldn't put their finger on what. The words that left my mouth would be gracious and attractive. It would come from a pure heart and mind. I kept hearing "breathing life" ...breathing life into people's dreams, that is, encouragement and spurring people on to partner with Jesus and live out the desires of their heart (can you tell I have been reading "Dreaming with God"? :) Oh, and the encouragement I had for people would relate to them specifically, and that they would come to know that Jesus loves them so specifically and intimately to how they are designed. The next part of the dream was with the people I started encountering in the field, and I got them to frolick in the field with me. Then in my elated state, running about freely, Jesus would cut in and whisk me away to dance with Him (..this is when I started to break down bawling!). Another part of the vision I saw was Jesus riding up from a distance on a beautiful horse and him pulling me on to ride with Him....the more I journeyed with Him on the horse and sat so close to His heart, the more beautiful I became and the more like Him I became. "You are my prized possession" He tells me.
I am just beyond amazed at His faithfulness. Somewhere deep down I feel like He's just gonna want to give up on me. Life after I turn my back on Him x amount of times, so will He.
I have learned that there is no last straw with Jesus.
His faithfulness and mercy is something I just can't fully comprehend on this earth. But I can tell you I have tasted it like none other! And He is captivating my heart like never before, or maybe I am drawing near and listening and abiding like never before......all I know is that He wants to keep whisking me away, away, away from my all my little friends and schoolwork and busy eating and computer and on and on and show me new things, whisper to me the latest revelation of His love, instill in me a new level of peace and comfort....ride on the horsey with Him.
Huh...I just remembered I went horseback riding last week....ironic?........

Please pray with me that I will abide with Him. That I will nail all that junk in my life to the cross and that I can live radically and unabashedly for Him.

Thank You Jesus, ohh sweet lover of my soul. You astound me every day.

2010-11-25T14:43:00.000-08:00

Dad's Weekend.

2010-11-12T10:27:00.000-08:00

My dad's comin tomorrow/Sun...please pray. I sense a little bit of breakthrough and my heart is softened right now so pray that it would not be hardened.

I can't wait to tell you about yesterday, one of the best days of my life!
Update soon....
love you all,
Suse

Miracle Baby!!!

2010-11-11T01:04:00.000-08:00

THIS beautiful baby,

(with her brother, Bjorn)

Mia Savea Bostrom,
came into this world 10:52 pm tonight, 6 lbs. 11 oz, 18 inches and perfectly healthy.
She is my youngest cousin.
She is my miracle cousin.
She is the baby I prayed for my aunt to have for about 8 years, almost every night before I lay down--I remember praying for her when I was in the shower just last year when all hope was gone..
She is the baby that Jesus knew about allll along and had a perfect plan for.
She is the redeeming hope for my aunt and uncle...
I'm so excited my little flower girl is finally here.
PRAISE JESUS!!!!!!!
This cousin is so elated and joyous and proud I don't think I'll be able to sleep tonight! :)

PRAISES

2010-11-08T21:38:00.000-08:00

I am just so grateful right now and my cup is overflowing. I still don't have much time to share a lot but wanted to thank you if you prayed for me and my testmony went so well thanks to Him. He helped me soar through the hardest parts and I was the most transparent I've ever been. It was so renewing and relieving and everything inbetween. The following two girls were able to be really transparent as well and I am super stoked for my small group this year (which is led by one of my best friends, Julie). Ahhhhhh. The Lord's blessings never end...even in the desert.
Well...that's it for now...
Oh ok, one more thing :) This weekend at the fall retreat i was mesmorized by the violin played during worship and it inspired me to play again. Last night I had the opportunity to play because an anointed talented person was playing the piano and I was blessed by the chance to practice. For the first time I felt like I was able to worship by playing it, not the "just helpin out the worship team" mindset I had before (although ive only played it once for church). I played again today to worship music and I am just loving it! I feel I'm supposed to start playing it in church and later in the future somehow. I LOVE how God takes broken, forgotten, brushed aside pieces of the puzzle and fits them together. He loves doing that, with everything. Ok..blessings to you
suse

Testimony..take four

2010-11-07T21:50:00.000-08:00

PLEASE PRAY FOR ME...if you think about it, tomorrow, Monday. I will be giving my testimony to my small group, the 4th time I've given my testimony to a group of people in a year. My
story has changed even from after this amazing weekend! I am not really so nervous (a little though) but just a little overwhelmed as to what to say--add onto it, I am not a clear speaker at all :) I am putting it in the Lord's hands though.
Alrighty, well I will update soon..just wanted to ask for a little prayer for now! Thanks soo much.
Love and blessings,
Suse

Going on...

2010-11-05T10:41:00.000-07:00

a fall retreat this weekend...yay Sunriver......
it will be a good end to my fast and a refreshing time. This week has been great so far...I will write more later.
Thanks for the prayers!
suse

Beautiful {Adventurous} Bike Ride

2010-11-03T21:48:00.000-07:00

I had quite an adventurous bike ride today with my friend...very fun and a long story, but I will just show you a few pics...such a refreshing and some of the most beautiful sights I'd ever seen.

The Lord is Beautiful and Good.

Verses that have been rocking my world

2010-11-01T16:31:00.000-07:00

"But those who wish to boast should boast in this alone: that they truly know me and understand that I am the LORD who demonstrates unfailing love and who brings justice and righteousness to the earth, and that I delight in these things."
JEREMIAH 9:23-24

"So I died to the law-I stopped trying to meet all its requirements so that I might live for God."
Galatians 2:19

Those who live only to satisfy their own sinful nature will harvest death and decay from that sinful nature. But those who live to please the Spirit WILL HARVEST EVERLASTING LIFE FROM THE SPIRIT."
Galatians 5:8

"For your Creator will be your husband; the LORD of Heaven's Armies is his name! He is your Redeemer, the Holy One of Israel, the God of all the earth."
Isaiah 54:5

Ahhh!! Today has been a great day.....so renewing already. Thanks again for the prayers. He is such a goooood God.

Fasting

2010-10-31T19:47:00.000-07:00

I have always kind of avoided fasting, because when I do, I feel like I am pouring all my energy into "can I do this? can I do that? am I losing weight? just a little won't matter".....seriously! Therefore I haven't wanted to go into it without my intentions being right.
For a week, I will be Facebook fasting, junk food fasting, music fasting, and even blog fasting to some degree (I spend a lot of time looking at blogs). (Junk food starting tomorrow, Monday, and everything else today).
I feel like I have never needed it more before, and am counting on this time for God to show up--I have expectations--mainly just for Him to do whatever He wants in me.

The main things I will be praying for:
-Release and healing from a habitual sin
-Release of depression, bitterness, shortness that has crept in the past few weeks
-Direction, purpose and motivation in my education
-Self-control--weight-self image issues
-My future--husb, kids, places, jobs, etc.
-Renewed sensitivity to the Spirit, purification of my mind
-Family stuff (parents, joe and ginny..)
-My roommates

Just as a starter :) I am excited for this week. Please be praying if you think about.
I appreciate you!

suse

Singleness~ONE

2010-10-27T15:51:00.000-07:00

I thought in order to cultivate more of a thankfulness for this season in my life I would give little snippets of things I am grateful for as I live my life.

I am grateful that....I am constantly in fellowship with believers. I am blessed with 46+sisters, many great brothers, and older, more mature people. This morning some people in my house were discussing how they knew couples that lost practically all fellowship after being married..and I know some too. I believe it takes extra effort to be in community with other believers when married, besides just not having that extra time. I can be here at Charis and be completely immersed with God and wisdom and gifts, etc. that come from my sistahs. I don't even have to make appts, dates, to get my fill in. I don't have to worry about keeping in touch, being out of the loop, being lonely, or any of those things!
Praise the Lord!

You can't go wrong..

2010-10-24T21:08:00.000-07:00

when you're wearing the Lord's presence! You will succeed in everything you do, even if things don't go the way you thought or you fail in some aspect. Just a thought i had.
Praise the Lord, I've had a great few days since i last wrote and I really feel I'm riding on His wings...otherwise I would've been left in a ditch a long time ago!

Today I led worship at church for the first time, and the Lord miraculously came. I had no sense of nervousness, inhibition, fear of man or anything, which just shows how much the Lord has grown in me--I totally would not have even considered doing it 2 years ago--He is so good! I am in a place where he is totally humbling me further while still developing my gifting. I can tell He is preparing me for something, WHAT I do not know! I know it's time to stop hoarding what I have that the Lord has given me, and that I am needed...and knowing this helps me to notice and bring out gifting in other people.

This is a song that has gotten me through the week...just makes you sigghhhh and let go!! :)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=R6-K7WuY17Q

I leave you with part of my bike ride...beautiful sunset ride with the dear friend of mine shown, Rebecca.

Blessings on your day.

suse

not so good

2010-10-21T14:06:00.000-07:00

Lately, I have just wanted to leave the country, get the heck out of here, and do something meaningful and really fulfilling.
My heart is RESTLESS, and not RESTFUL.
Wanna work with the poor, see Jesus in little children, be needed and wanted, live with little to nothing, and impact lives. I feel like I am not really living right now, that i"m in some kind of dormant phase. I don't like it. I KNOW this is a phase Jesus has for me right now.
Why is it so hard to grasp the present?? I'm having such a hard time, apparently.
I have felt like such a failure at loving people, pouring into people, being who I am in Christ, having motivation to do schoolwork, go to school--even doubting the things I thought I was always best at, like teaching, Spanish, and..loving people.
I just really have NO idea what's in store for me...and I know He has good plans, but there are so many ideas, so many schools, so many countries, so many languages, so many people......feeling overwhelmed by possibilities and not resting in my heart.

I want to be a woman who laughs without fear of the future- Prov. 31:25
I am not necessarily fearful, but rather anxious...
Thanks for letting me rant a little and please pray as I am obviously under a lot of attack.
Christ in me, hope of glory. Praise the Lord.

The Longing

2010-10-19T17:23:00.000-07:00

Today, I have that deep recurring aching that pounds at the depths of my soul...
my longing for children. If I am not careful, I can let bitterness and impatience and unknowing and frustration and jealousy take place of the great trust I must have in the Lord.
I just cannot escape this longing, it must be so part of who I am.....but now I am exactly where the Lord wants me.

{But if we look forward to something we don't yet have, we must wait patiently and confidently.}
Romans 8:25

Please pray with me for patience and trust!

Soo in love

2010-10-15T17:44:00.000-07:00

with the Lord. He turned a dull, lifeless, anxious, boring morning into a joyful, beautiful, blessed day with additional heaps of faith and life!!

Prayed for healing today. About to go on my favorite bike ride with a dear friend and capture the sunset on this beautiful fall, sunny day in God's creation. Worship night tonight. Friday. REST. I praise God for days like these!

Praying for the Son to shine on you as well today. He is the redeemer and restorer of all things, and He does what He wants.

blessings,
suse

Awoken

2010-10-09T00:58:00.000-07:00

Today, I just crave to have the boldness and unhesitancy to just be able to go up to that person or pray for that person or talk about the Lord in front of that person and not feel the least bit of fear or shame. To not even care what the outcome of the situation, as long as I know the Lord is control and will be glorified.
There is still so much inside that needs to be stripped down and built up--but the good news He is working within me and giving me more of an urgency.

Today I was walking out of a Spanish class with my friend Jordan and we stopped to get his bike, then we were going to swing by the bookstore area to check something before our free prayer later that day. Not very long after he says, "Soup (my nickname in Corvallis), I know this might be out of your comfort zone, but I think you should talk to that girl over there." A girl was sitting on the curb, smoking, and very focused and serious and sad. "I'm gonna go" and with a grin he takes off on his bike. My heart started pounding and I wasn't exactly sure what to do. Not receiving any words for her, I slowly started walking away praying, intending to come back if I got anything. Nothing profound came to me, but honestly I just felt like telling her "Hey, I just felt like I was supposed to tell you that Jesus loves you and wants a relationship with you." I went home without telling her that, as it was too late by the time I could muster anything up.

I want to be a woman that hears the voice of the Lord and just DOES it--without hesitancy--even if the words don't come right away. The Spirit of the living God is with me and gives me my words...this is just the next step in trusting Him.
I will say that with that little story and free prayer later that day (which I had to leave before anyone came to get prayer) my heart was awoken and a sense of urgency was placed on it. I will admit it: I have been pretty comfortable and lazy so far when it comes to opportunities here at OSU. Yes, I have always wanted things to happen. But now I am understanding it happens in the small encounters and just listening to the quiet voice of God- sometimes a quickening of my heart, sometimes a still, small whisper, sometimes a big banner, sometimes a dose of compassion.
I am just wanting to be a vessel for God like never before. I am drinking in this life the Lord has me in right now, and really enjoying it, despite its stresses.

Shouldn't Be

2010-10-07T00:14:00.000-07:00

writing this, but I am a procrastinator to the core...
my mind is so jumbled now but I will give you what I think are the 10 most important things going on right now in my life.
1) I definitely underestimated this term--15 nice little credits=SUPER HARD and SUPER OVERWHELMING. I feel like if I can get through this term I can get through anything. Ok, maybe slightly exaggerating.
2) Still no job yet...keep praying...and wisdom for what I should be doing
3) Reading through the New Testament with my church in 9 weeks...I usually don't like those kinds of things but so far I'm lovin it...receiving so many cool revelations (which I might get to eventually ;)
4) Feeling the most secure in the Lord than ever before....not having a trace--ok, barely a trace of fear for my future, especially regarding my husband. I am craving the Lord's perfect love for me and our relationship. I am putting less expectation, demand, unrealisticness, etc on my husband and am praising the Lord that He is really delivering me from a lot of crap that would have happened if I did things my own way. He is protecting me...goes back to my family name "Amund" which means divine protector.
5) My room is still hard, but is getting better..please pray I would click better with 2 of my roomies. I need extra grace and kindness.
6) I am going to start leading worship at my church on a regular basis...please pray I never get burned out, or overwhelmed, etc....just overflow of the heart
7) I am starting to just really love prayer!! I thought I loved it before but now I am up and at'em (coming from the latest owl you'll meet) at 5:45 ready for 6-8 prayer and worship in the basement! It's been rich..as well as prayer walks that we do with our brother house, Antioch. Quick story: couple weeks ago our two houses were going to different places, praying, and we stopped by Varsity (another Christian guys house, where my friend Jordan lives). They had JUST like 5 minutes before been praying that He would heal the animosity and rivalry etc. between the houses (esp b/w Antioch and Varsity). So the three of our houses went around, praying, and we gathered one more house up as well. Such an awesome unity, and we definitely feel so much more connected to our other bros and sisters in Christ this year.
8) Adding on to that, God is ON THE MOVE in Corvallis!
9) Friday, instead of doing dramas, we will be having a "free prayer" or something like that, sign on campus...please be praying! :) I'm excited to see how He'll show up.
10) Please pray for continued purity of heart and mind so I can see God more clearly. I want to be a vessel that the Lord can't pass up using. I'm tired of being bored and stagnant. I'm asking Him for big things.

Thanks for listening. Thanks for your prayers and your love.
suse

Trust

2010-09-24T17:18:00.000-07:00

I just HAPPENED to have an urge to read 1 Peter, where 4:19 struck me:

{..and trust your lives to the God who created you, for He will never fail you}
Simple, yet soo profound!

A couple of hours ago I was talking with some friends and my good friend Julie mentioned she had seen a job opening at Big Town Hero (sandwich place just a few blocks away, owners go to the church that supports Charis). Ten minutes later I walked over and got the application, the manager was very friendly, and within half hour I filled it out and returned it.
Please pray for favor! Just while this was happening Julie was talking to me about her boyfriend really needing a job. Right after I got back, he texted and said he had an interview and was hired! I think today is a day of favor...:)
I am not worried whatsoever because the Lord sees and knows my every need. I am waiting on Him....and trusting Him because He created me, and He will never fail me. PTL.

"Home"

2010-09-16T23:58:00.000-07:00

Right now I'm finally in the place that seems most like home to me: Charis.
I am just so dang blessed to be here and with these 14 girls on leadership this week, it has already been truly enriching.
We got back today from a 3 day retreat where we all shared our testimonies: the kind where EVERYONE cries and you see the real person, everything they have gone through and what Jesus has done in their life. Hearing testimonies are my favorite and as we sat there for hours, I was simply intrigued by each one and how incredible the Lord is. Thanks to the Lord, I wasnt very nervous (esp. having done it last year in front of everyone) and not having really much prepared, it was cool to just talk and see where He led me. Anyways, I feel very close to my sisters and am so blessed for the constant conversations we have about the Lord and our lives, all the encouragement, uplifting, hugs, etc. The Lord knows me....so well.

New girls move in in 3 days. I'm excited...also know it will be a bit overwhelming.

I am glad the Lord is finally taking me out of this wilderness phase, and that He has taught me so much. My life verse I feel like for now is:
"But then I will win her back once again. I will lead her into the desert (check) and speak tenderly to her there. I will return her vineyards to her and transform the Valley of Trouble into a gateway of hope." (Hosea 2:14)

PLEASE pray favor for a job for me. Campus jobs are looking already full and it's super hard to get one, and since I don't have a car...you get the picture. I am really feeling like I need to get one this year. Please pray against financial stress for my parents. I don't know if I mentioned it, but my dad & fam will probably have to move out of their house because of $ and it's really hard on my dad.

Also, please pray for the drunk people hollering outside my window that will probably keep me up tonight, per usual. These precious people on this campus and in this city are my mission field; these souls may be changed someday by Jesus' life through me, and I will not waste a minute thinking about the future when I can be clinging on to opportunities. It may not be a poor, delightful Mexican child, but a hungry, striving college student that needs Love today.
Well, gotta go for now, but thanks for the prayers and praying blessings for you too.

CAN'T WAIT

2010-09-07T18:04:00.000-07:00

for the day when I'm married and my husband I will walk on the downtown streets of Portland, (or another needy place) and we can find a homeless person to take out to a nice meal. That will be oh so fun. And pick up every hitchhiker I (we) see. In fact, I probably won't marry someone unless they would be willing to do that kind of stuff. :-)

On that note, I've been having a mental struggle between doing foolish things vs. hearing the Spirit and stepping out in faith. It seems to me that the world likes to mix the two, calling the latter foolish as well. For instance, I almost stopped and picked up a hitchhiker on the freeway the other day, even though he was a man (he seemed nice to me). I didn't probably just because I couldn't get over in time. I don't know what it is about me and my wild, non-fearing heart, but it seems like a lot of ideas i have like these people deem foolish. And some of them are probably true. {I always want to go outside alone at night (in my college town) and everyone looks down on that. Ok, so some of this is common sense and I am stubborn.}
I would love any input or wisdom on this matter.
Maybe it's not because I am really brave, maybe it's because i have a Holy Spirit covering that's giving me the "ok" to do things, that will bring Him glory. I am not entirely stupid and won't do things that are obviously idiotic.
I'm just wanting to do so many things but often feel restricted as a single woman. Very frustrating at times, yet God knows the scene and will use me exactly as He sees fit. It could just be that this is not the time of my life to do those things.

Counting down

2010-09-06T20:03:00.000-07:00

Today, a profound thought hit me as my family and I were driving on the beautiful highway road from Corvallis to the freeway. We had just dropped something off in Corvallis and were on our way to Salem. Lately I have been noticing how this ~12 minute stretch has seemed to keep dragging longer and longer each time I come/go to and from Corvo.

I remarked, "This road seems really long" or something like that.
My dad answered, "It always seems longer when you're anxious to get somewhere."

SO TRUE. I thought first of all the times I was on the edge of my seat just desperately waiting to get back to Corvallis and to Charis and how the road was just gloomily too long.
And then I thought of how many times, on this road that I'm on, how desperately long it seems. Even though there are beautiful hills and mountains and hay and cows all around me, I just don't care and want to get to my final destination. I have been anxious. This ultimately stems, I believe, from not trusting the Lord and His goodness, even if I think that I do.
I want my heart to be settled and rested and rooted so deep in His love that He has to yank me from the cows to see what He has laid out for me next :)
I believe there's nothing wrong with looking forward to something, or dreaming a little now and then--and if it is wrong well then.....I am very guilty! ;-) My thought has always been that our wishes and hopes and dreams and desires, etc, can be little ways to see God's faithfulness to us and to see His heart for us. Yesterday I reread a few pages of stuff the Lord was speaking to me last winter and one of the things He said for me was to "dream big".
But man, I just wanna enjoy the beautiful ride. Even if there AREN'T fields and cows and mountains to admire.

I don't want this to be a cliche post, but this is just what's been going through my head recently. Probably cuz He's reallllly working on deep trust in my heart and being settled with RIGHT where I'm at. Basic things like that.

Thanks for listening and thanks for you all your prayers. Much love,
suse

I Have Found

2010-09-05T20:22:00.000-07:00

....a trust that teaches how to rest.

Trying to really dwell on just this line of Kim Walker's song right now. In the midst of preparing my Costa Rica portfolio (due tomorrow), generally packing and organizing from two houses to move (in one week), starting and finishing little projects, pondering my testimony for next week (leader week), and more, my heart is overwhelmed...
until I just let it go....sink into that overflowing trust that God has put in my heart. I must rest in that trust. I also have joy over sadness, a love that lights up every room, and a peace that plows on through the storm.

Amen Jesus. Thank you for taking care of the hot mess of my life. Days like today, I just need to sit back and watch You do your thing. I love you!

Childlike Faith

2010-09-02T21:21:00.000-07:00

Today when I was shoveling tile for Omundson Construction the thought came to me,

{when i was a child, i expected what i needed
and asked for what I wanted.}
I know that this is not true for every person, but just from my honest child heart, this is what I thought.
Does childlike faith look different for everyone?
Should I expect what I need....in other words, be confident and totally at ease that all my necessities will be provided for?
I know I need to "seek the Kingdom of God above all else.." (Luke 12:31), and that is a given. I suppose that when I am in that place of seeking the Kingdom, I just have that expectancy that He will provide. This seems right to me.
He also says "keep on asking, and you will receive what you ask for. keep on seeking, and you will find."
Again, when this is in the context of seeking the Kingdom, I can ask for whatever I want! Right?
I wonder how the 7 yr old me would have dealt with having to find a job in a town where--there ARE no jobs :) Is this where I need to expect He will provide that job?
I think yes.

**Side note--I have been doing a trillion times better since my last post. Not feeling completely "up to par" but wayyy better. I have been doing a lot of cleaning and organizing and..purging at both my houses which has been good--both because I have always hated throwing/giving stuff away and this time I had no problem-and because it is such a good reminder that I do need to purge everything from my spiritual body that shouldn't belong there.

**Another side note--I have always struggled a little with body image (who doesn't), but ever since I returned from Costa Rica (where I lost quite a bit of weight) and have been putting it back on, I have just felt frustrated and a lack of self-control whatsoever, especially on what I eat. This is a huge area the Lord is trying to work through in me.
Today I felt was a kind of breakthrough point. I was walking by myself around Bridgeport (a fancy little (ok, big) shopping "town") and at first was feeling a little self conscious, especially amongst all the glam and "high classness". Today I let it go and said to myself, "I am always going to be a little awkward. Maybe always a little chubby. But this is who I am (today, at least) and I am going to love it, and know God is still madly in love with me." This is not to say that the Lord is not encouraging me to healthier lifestyles--say, to not overindulge, or that I am settling with where I'm at.
I guess mainly I'm learning where my confidence comes from--purely from the Lord--and He sees the fine masterpiece He made, above what anyone else (including and especially myself) can see..

Ok...well enough rabbit trailing..need to get back to cleaning :) Thanks for all your love and prayers, they are much appreciated.
Much love,
Suse

Single Life

2010-08-29T00:08:00.000-07:00

Single life may be only a stage of a life's journey, but even a stage is a gift. God may replace it with another gift, but the receiver accepts His gifts with thanksgiving. This gift for this day. The life of faith is lived one day at a time, and it has to be lived - not always looked forward to as though the 'real' living were around the next corner. It is today for which we are responsible. God still owns tomorrow.

-Elisabeth Elliot

I especially related with the "not always looked forward to as though the 'real' living were around the next corner". That is PRECISELY how I feel I have been living my life--thank you for that conviction, Lord, and thank you for THIS day...and for tomorrow, however it may go..

It's been almost a month since I've returned from CR, and long story short....
I was doing great, spiritually speaking, in CR. I learned a ton, just grew a lot closer to the Lord, and heard from Him that when I got back I needed to really follow hard after Him, that there would be a lot more attack after getting back. He was right, and I unfortunately didn't do that. I slunk (probably a word I just invented) back into my sinful nature and mostly, just got lazy about our relationship. Along with not having to do a ton upon my return, I just didn't put forth much effort to grow in and seek the Lord. Honestly, super honest, I can think of maybe two times I have cracked open my Bible and just been refreshed since CR. It has been atrocious! That is not to say God hasn't been working in my life, with me and my family, or that I haven't not wanted to grow in love more with the Lord. But still, probably one of my lowest lows.....
I can tell when there is that dullness and indifference and no longer a sensitive heart that sees people how God does or sees the things of God how they really are. When there is a laziness to draw near to God, even if He meets me halfway. When I see the idols in my life but can't seem to give them up.
But I don't want to dwell on this part, because it is not what our gracious Father dwells on.
Despite what I've done, He still pursues me, reminding me a lot of Hosea and the prostitute wife.
He soothes me with reminders of a good future for me, and the joy in TODAY.
He is humble enough to wait for me to come back to Him, and He knows I will....
He is patient and loving and gentle and kind and gracious....
Convicting, yes. Grieved, sometimes yes. Saddened, probably.

Thank you Jesus that your yolk is easy and your burden is light.

Jesus is calling me to get away. I need to get away and pour out my heart to Him. I am to write Him a long letter, to resurrender every little thing, to confess and repent my sin, to ask Him to fill me with an ability to love Him well, and others well, to show me His love in new ways, to fill me with renewed passion, to be reminded of just how AWESOME even a drop of His presence is, to be alikened to Him more and more....I just want to be oozing Jesus.

Please be praying and thank you for loving me like Jesus does. I am so grateful.
I'll update soon how things are going. I know they can only get better though!! :)

Suse

PS> I am in a 4 room this year, still on the 3rd floor, with a returning girl named Kellie, who I love (even though we're completely different), a freshman named Amalia (from REDDING, CA!) who is a little shy and nervous but real and sweet, and a sophmore new to Charis named Kendra who is bubbly and funny and sweet. I think it will be a little hard at first but I can tell it will be a great, and life changing year.

Midnight Snack for Thought

2010-08-20T01:46:00.000-07:00

So, soo many thoughts swirling around in my 20 yr old brain right now...I guess that's what I get for not blogging for ages :)

But really...where do I start?? Everyday I feel I have been mentally writing blogs in my head, but the list is too long and prioritizing them is mentally taxing.

I'm gonna start with what I'm dealing with RIGHT NOW--then move out.

Without fail, on these late lazy summer nights where just Jesus and I are up, hanging out in my bed, I get antsy for the future and my daydreaming {or night dreaming, I should say} goes full speed. Now don't laugh~well, do if you want to~ but I get so impatient to have children, to have babies, where I sit on Word and pen out names for over an hour...or read about pregnancy, or read mom blogs. You name it. I know 100% that now is not that chapter in my life, and it's probably not coming soon either, but perhaps being a mother is so part of who He made me to be...that I already miss my children.
I miss my Abel Jaem   or my   Nollie Fe  or my Mairyn Luceia or my Kiam Adlai. Just maybe--or maybe 12:52 just does something to you.
Which, by the way, I seem to always have to write late at night.

The other day when I was riding in the car, I think, the Lord declared to me something like, "My Lily, that same spot you have for loving your future kids, the Love that occupies that space is love that gets to be poured out on other people. You are still a mother, because I made you to be a nurturer and giver."

The grass is always greener on the other side, I guess. But for now I have chosen that this side of the fence is pretty green and that I will enjoy every moment of this special era in my life where I have a whole quiet bed to myself, where I can sleep through the night without being woken up, where an idea hits me and I can leave spontaneously, where I have more time to get to worship and know my Lord-although I'm still learning to prioritize my time-where I can live with 47 amazing sisters and friends in community and glean off of them and nurture, where I can be shaped more and more every day into the woman Jesus made me to be and be that much more selfless, loving, wise and full of his Spirit. I know that many mothers may envy the life I have now--so free of duty, so full of time and relaxation and sleep...full of freedom and whatever else it is I have.

But that never stops me from thinking of my future and praying that He would be so kind to bless me with a man that was so perfectly made for me and children that I can hardly believe are mine.

And having a best friend getting married this summer, and 3 others next summer, does not exactly rein in my excitement~envy~joy~impatience.

ON THE RELATIONSHIPS FRONT~~~
Ever since returning from Costa Rica, the Lord has been DRASTICALLY changing the family scene. One of the hugest things I learned there {and in my life period} was 1 Cor. 13:11:
          When I was a child, I spoke and thought and reasoned as a child. But when I grew up, I put away childish things.
Read that for the first time and it was such a blow--such a GOOD blow--on my childish spirit that wanted to hold on-and not put away-childish things. I always figured that as you grew up, you matured and those childish things disappeared. But it was made blatantly clear to me that I need to PUT AWAY these things!! The shameful, ridiculous ways I would act with my parents and siblings, perhaps trying to stretch out the most horrific years of my life, were brought up.
I think all this happened when I turned 20 {yikes...it still feels funky typing that}. I was suddenly panicked and confused why I still acted and thought and spoke the way I did (do) sometimes and perhaps my subconscious theory that by the time I was 20 I would be a perfectly mature, independent, skinnier {ha}, gracious adult.
By NO MEANS am I suddenly perfect with my fam or even close, and I also see that my theory was rather unrealistic and nor was it based on the grace of God.
Just a few details so you can get the gist:
-have been working with my dad at the construction sites, and we have been getting along pretty much the whole time, I have been feeling a more effortless Love float out from me, being more polite and gracious, learning to hold my tongue which is a huge one, and even enjoying time with him.
-have been having a lot more respect for Bruce, made him an omelet last night when usually all I can manage to do is avoid him.
-still been getting along great with Bev
-ironically been having more conflicts with my mom (who I always got along the best with) but nothing big, just small frustrations and controversy of beliefs. I love my mom, but am sometimes afraid I will turn into her when I am a mom.

Baby steps....but the Lord is definitely answering my many prayers and healing me in places I didn't even know existed. Please be praying with me in these areas.

ON THE SCHOOL FRONT~~~~
Tomorrow night starts leader weekend, and in 2 days, I will find out my roommates (that is, IF I am with any leaders/returning girls) and my room. Even though it seems little, please be praying for the transition next year of room. The last two years I have been in the 6 room where I had AMAZING roommates and it was always very comfortable. I have a feeling next year might be a little out of my comfort zone. I'll let you know how it goes.

Last year my words for the year were transparency and boldness. I didn't really know how prophetic they would be--I learned transparency as I recounted my life story~problems and victories~to my house of girls and friends-and boldness as I led worship each week and learned to rely on the Spirit and to turn my gaze from forty plus faces to my Lover.
Today I heard word that humility and gentleness were this years words. I know that I'll need humility and gentleness leading worship a second year, and more so, in my daily life. I have been convicted of all the times I have talked instead of listened, spoke without thinking and hurt someone, let a boastful sentence slip, etc...by the grace of God I still have my friends and He still loves me the same...and I ask Him daily to help me control my tongue and have a childlike faith while not having a childish faith.
Many times I ask-or more like TELL the Lord...TAME ME!!!
And He says, I do not want to. But I will MOLD you. I love your wild and messy and beautiful heart, your randomness and creativity and perspective that no one else sees. You are mine. However, let me shape you, let my Holy Spirit do his work among you and when you have my Spirit, you will have self-control...and everything you need for life and godliness. Susannah, I need you for your personality and what you have to offer.
WOW! I am so in love with Him. So,so,so.

Anyways, school...I am ready to be back in nearly 3 weeks. I love the fresh slate aspect of the new school year, new classes, brand new relationships, new weather, new haircuts...new revelations.

By the way...please be praying for a JOB this year for me as many-most people have already been hired and are training before school starts. I haven't heard back from the place I applied to and spoke to the manager...so I honestly have no idea what to do and it has really been put on my heart to work this year. Please pray for favor!!!!

Woa, there are so many other things I wanna say, but I must be getting to bed. More to come.

Love and blessings,

**Suse**

Back!

2010-08-11T01:31:00.000-07:00

It is true...I am back!
Back to blogging, that is. Sorry I haven't written in forever, I'm finally slowing down to where I can even remotely think about it.
There has been so much good stuff going on spiritually, especially that happened in Costa Rica, and of course things that I wish weren't still apart of my life. Sorry that was really vague--I will explain when I have some more time.

One quick fun thing...remember my aunt Megan who after years of trying to conceive, after 4 rounds of in vitro, with a 1% chance of making it got pregnant, well she and my uncle and cousin Bjorn (now 10) just visited and it almost brought me to tears to see such a living miracle. She is about 6 months pregnant with a perfectly healthy girl named Mia. My heart has been overflowing just from this news alone. I am grieving that they live so far away (Wheaton, IL), but still rejoicing that I will get to be a part of her life and that she will be such a blessing to her family. Hopefully she can be my flower girl someday :)

Us with my cousin/best friend Milly

I gotta get going to bed but thanks for your prayers, I always appreciate them, and i will be updating more soon. Love you guys,
Suse

Pity Party.

2010-06-13T03:36:00.000-07:00

Well, it is 3:15, which might make some sense out of the title!
I have been realizing how much pitying myself has gotten me down in a rut--instead of overflowing with thanksgiving for what I have and who God is.
Let's see, what have I been pitying about?
-"Everyone is going through a "new season" and I feel like I have been stuck in this season forever, not to mention it hasn't been sunny for a month!"
-"All of my friends and housemates are finding their husbands/sig others and getting married...I will be at least 30 when I get married, and I won't even get to have kids!"
-"So and so haven't paid me back all year!:
-"If my parents weren't divorced...."
-"I can't afford...."
-"This friend doesn't even care about me anymore..."

ON and ON! Wow, it is amazing how much you can pity yourself without realizing it.
I remember a wise older lady telling our house earlier this year at the retreat that the best thing you can do when in that situation is to give to others; bless others; love on others.

It says constantly throughout scripture, REJOICE IN THE LORD!
The LORD! Not in how my situation is reflecting my personal desires, how my friends treat me, how close I feel to the Lord....
Rejoice IN THE LORD!

This past month I feel has not been the strongest between me and the Lord. The desire is there to love the Lord, but I feel my strength is not. Maybe I have frustrated myself in not hearing His voice, or not seeing any cool things happen, or just feeling blah. I know what I need to do, but I can't seem to do it. (just like those verses in Romans so well states).
I am a little bummed, because I was wanting to go to Costa Rica so on FIRE for the Lord and to be so strong that any problem would be a breeze. All I know is that His ways are SO much higher than mine, He has a plan for this trip, He is not upset or disappointed in me, and He's always there to give me a second chance.
But seriously....I am sooo badly wanting to impact LIVES in Costa Rica!! If learning Spanish is the only thing I do there, I will be disappointed. I want my family to be saved; maybe a few classmates. I am already asking God for that. Holy Spirit, come over me like a flood through your vessel and do what is impossible in my eyes!
Some fears have been creeping in on me with the verge of the trip: my health, having an emergency, getting lost (there aren't really street names/addresses in CR, just directions around landmarks), having conflicts with my family, running out of money, being forced to drink alcohol, etc! Silly little things if you think about them. But if you think of me please pray for those things!
Not to mention...packing for 6 weeks is a little more overwhelming than I thought :)
Ahh!!!
Ok...I just need some sleep! Thanks for listening to me rant a little.
Blessings on you,
Suse

So Soon

2010-06-05T22:34:00.000-07:00

Last Wednesday I finally got info regarding my family in Costa Rica!! I am so thrilled...

both the parents are 41, the mom stays at home and the dad works for some financial service.

There is a 7 yr old girl, Ximena,

And a six-month old boy, Jose Andres!

Sooo adorable! What a perfect fit for me! Can't wait to squeeze him and play with her.

It also said that they were not religious. This will be a hard, but interesting 6 weeks! I am praying so hard that my family will get to at least experience a whiff of the Spirit, and that He will give me the right words to say at the right time! The mom emailed me back within minutes of writing her and they are excited to have me, and she said she already told her mom and brothers that live in this beautiful town in the country, and that she wants me to go with her to visit them, etc. There is internet in the house which will be nice to keep a little connected:) I will be keeping a blog while I'm there (don't know how much I can write) but that will be at http://www.costaricansusana.blogspot.com/ .

Words can't say how excited I am to go there....only 12 MORE DAYS!!! So crazy.

Please pray the rest of the preparations go smoothly.....I am NOT the most organized and detail-oriented person :) Also please pray for finances and that it wouldn't be a huge burden, especially on my dad. I will mainly be taking out a lot of loans. Trusting our gracious Lord to provide for His favorite daughter :)

That's it for now...just one final on Monday and I'm done with school!! This year has been the fastest by far.

Thank you so much for all your love and support.

Suse

Thought Collage

2010-05-24T15:46:00.000-07:00

+ Someone told me the other day, "Lovers get more work done than workers." I've been mediating on it for a while and trying to test its truth. Or perhaps it is true, but is getting work done our main purpose?

+ A few days ago was our Garden Party social event, (where your roomies pick a guy for you, supposedly like a blind date. They make a sign for you and stand on the lawn holding it (or living room this year b/c it was raining) and we all file out looking for our name. Anyways, I went with Jordan and we drove with my friend Kristin and her date/Jordan's friend Andrew. On the way back from the event Jordan suggested we take a minute and listen/pray for the person diagonal from us, if the Lord had a word/verse/etc for that person. It was such a cool thing! We all got different prophetic words. Mine was right on the spot. Andrew said that he was picturing a huge, open field with trees and mountains and that it was a place I could just pour out my heart to the Lord, to sing His praises, to enter the fullness of His glory, to be refreshed. I was reminded that I need to constantly come to this place, no matter how stressed out/busy/depressed I am. The Lord DEMANDS us to rest! Not a bad command :)

+24 days until Costa Rica!! ahhh! Pray that I would be doing everything I need to be doing, and just be preparing myself in every way. More provision Lord!! :)

+Learning to love the Lord unconditionally. Such a new and confusing concept for me. But the Lord has been revealing to me how everything I love about Jesus is based off the good things He has given me. WOW! I realized I was stuck in a rut--realized I wasn't feeling loved when the sun wasn't/hasn't been shining for WEEKS, when I am self-pitying for the things I don't have (trendy clothes, a boyfriend, money, etc.) or when a friend lets me down, etc. The Lord is testing me to see if I will love Him no matter the circumstance and no matter how I feel He is loving me! The fact is, He is perfectly good and perfect in unconditional love, and that will never change.

Am I willing to risk my comfort level to love Jesus more? To sacrifice things I cling to?

+Have been thinking/praying of my future husband a lot and really have been surrendering all my deepest desires, from the broad to the nit-picky, to the Lord. I thought I had my "list" small and open for the Lord--I only had about 5 requirements! To love the Lord more than anyone/anything else, to be musically gifted, to love/be great with kids, to be able to make me laugh often, and to have similar passions/areas/callings/whatever the Lord is calling us to.

The other day the Lord asked me, "What if the man that was best for you isn't musical?"

Hmmmm....gotta love conviction. I know that there's a good chance he will be musical, but if not, he will be even better suited for me--we will glorify Him even more.

I'm trusting Him to be a wayy better matchmaker than the one from Fiddler on the Roof! :) My motto is, "surprise me, Jesus! whatever you think is best".

What I DO know is "No eye has seen, no ear has heard, and no mind has imagined what God has prepared for those who love Him." -1 Cor. 2:0.

Well, that's it for now, gotta go get ready for our last Monday night meeting of the year. Crazy!

Know that the plans God has for you cannot be fathomed!

Loving Jesus,

Suse

Monday Thoughts

2010-05-17T16:06:00.000-07:00

Unashamed was the word that was running around in my head today as I was sitting in German class anticipating the end.
I always thought that being unashamed for Christ was an easy thing, a given for following Him.
But it turns out, when it's just you, or just you and someone else against the world, it gets a whole lot harder.
The reality is, we will face persecution. At our dramas people often laugh and point at us.
The reality is, people will not be accepting and they will even respond in harshness sometimes.
There are times when we will probably feel crazy, foolish, nerdy, stupid, scared, and timid in order to take up the cross and step where He leads us.
Today, nothing really happened, in the physical realm.
Jordan did exactly what he said he was gonna do, and asked for people to stick around if they needed prayer for anything. I'm pretty sure no one did.

Wow. Even though it was a seemingly pointless thing to do, something in the spiritual atmosphere had to have changed, and it definitely made me realize what I have signed up to do--in the big picture. It is the best thing I could ever sign up for, wouldn't you agree??!

A completely random thing is this summer after I get back from Costa Rica
(which, by the way, I leave in exactly ONE month :) I'm pretty sure I'm supposed to be in Portland...and I have felt some nudges to apply at the Cold Stone in West Linn (different store, different boss!) So I guess I'll be at home! I had really wanted to stay here in Corvallis....a)no constant traveling back and forth from my moms to dads b)biking and walking everywhere c)close to church, where I am really involved d)living with some friends at Charis e)being able to hang out with my good friend Amy and her fam, who lives here (my second fam). f)learning to "live on my own" a bit more etc.! But yesterday the Lord pointed out to me
a)remember when I told you these four years [in college/Oregon] had to do with reconciliation with your family?! Spending time with them will actually help this process. Let me do some work this summer.
b)You'll be paying $50 a week to stay at Charis!
c) Your mom will let you drive her car to work
d) The Mexican neighbors...you miss them and need to pour into the children's lives
e) You can babysit sometimes for your old nannying family....
f) You can go to work with your dad and help translate for the workers
g) You can help the Coulombes with the food pantry and translating (Serenity, if you're read this, I am so stoked with the possiblity of helping you guys this summer!)
ON and ON...
Ok God....thanks for changing my heart! Isn't He the best heart changer?!?

Please pray that Cold Stone wouldn't mind hiring me for just a couple months :) and continued prayer for Costa Rica....but I know well enough that our Abba is a great provider...and THE PROVIDER.

Ok, gotta get some songs ready now for meeting but hope you have a super blessed day!
Suse

Jordan.....Monday

2010-05-15T23:24:00.000-07:00

This is my good friend Jordan that I've gotten to know through dramas and German class.
Aside from the fact that he is also a Spanish major (and we talk/text in English, German and Spanish), he is crazy talented and plays guitar/drums and records his songs. Oh, and he's radically on fire for God.
A few weeks ago he texted me "what could we do to better witnesses in our German class?"
Yesterday he informed me at the library after class (where some of us do worship/outreach when there aren't dramas) that he had gotten permission from our teacher to make an announcement at the end of class on Monday....for what? To ask if anyone wanted prayer, either for sickness, or just anything....
Yep! So like it or not, I (we) will be put out of our comfort zone on Monday! Please pray....that God would conquer like He always does.
Jordan is humble and loves everyone, as he always makes friends in our class and everywhere he goes. He has grown into a more caring and genuine person over the last year.
He has similar music tastes to me (for example he is the only other person I know that knows of Enter the Worship Circle) and I enjoy worshiping together.
The Spirit is moving radically in Him and we often talk about things like baptism of the Spirit which He is praying for, and he is all over miracles and seeing our campus changed.

It's nice to have a good brother!

Drunk

2010-05-11T11:38:00.000-07:00

Hmm...I don't know how else to start this, but...
I can say I was officially drunk (on the Spirit) for the first time last night!!

It lasted from about 8-12:30. I have no idea WHY or HOW but I know that it had to be the Spirit!
Some symptoms:
-going around the house and blessing/encouraging 30+ girls (usually in a very crazy and non-coherent manner :)
-going in and out of a multitude accents
-serenading people with my guitar
-having energy like I'd never felt before--yep, 4 hours going around the house like a mad woman!
-feeling (almost) no inhibitions...I was talking up a storm to girls that I hadn't even really talked to much (there are about 6) and didn't feel awkward or uncomfortable at all
-having an insane amount of joy and laughter!
-sometimes not being able to stand up! and when I was in my sleeping porch before going to bed, I literally fell to the side and barely avoided crashing into things!

Despite the fact that I had a 5 page paper to write last night, it didn't stop me at all! And somehow the Lord blessed that time because I wrote a page last night and am not worried about it at all and it's due in 3 hours.

I don't really know how to react to it- I'm a little embarrassed and humiliated now, as girls keep asking me how my hangover is, but at least I got to encourage and bless a ton of people that I may not have under the same condition?!? Haha.

I guess when you ask for the Spirit to fill you up more, you have to be careful with what you ask for ;)

If anyone has any thoughts about being drunk on the Spirit, I'm game for hearing it.

Surfin' Jesus

2010-05-10T15:32:00.000-07:00

WOW, the Lord is good!
It's been a good number of weeks, especially past few days!
I just got back from Lake Shasta with a group of people from a college ministry in Corvallis. Didn't even really want to go--didn't want to miss 2 days of school, pay money, be surrounded by new people, etc.
But hallelujah....God met me there...of course! :)
Don't have much time to say everything.....but let's just say He did some MAJOR refocusing and gentle convicting. One of the speakers gave an example of Jesus being the sun (or Son, haha!) to our solar system, and everything else--all the planets--revolve around Him! I know that in truth there are some areas that DON'T fully revolve around Him. He has been pointing some things out for me and it has been super good to truly make HIM the center of my life!!!
So beautiful to worship God with my sisters and brothers in the middle of a beautiful lake and trees! Made me weep one night at worship to feel Him so fully.
A GIRL IN MY HOUSEBOAT GOT SAVED!!!!! It was the COOLEST thing ever to see her radically transform and hear her tell how she had a tingly feeling all over as she was worshiping and how God finally broke through and she finally accepted Him! Another cool thing....
this is one of my friends in Charis, named Kayla....

And her life has been radically changed! A year ago she was not following the Lord and she was in a completely different place, partying, etc. and obviously just needing Him. She has blossomed so much this year and is soo joyful, beautiful, transparent, open, humble, fun etc. Well ANYWAYS a few days ago (while still at Shasta) the Lord put it on my heart that Kayla would get baptized the next day. (they always do baptisms in the lake the last day). I wrote it in my journal on the top of the page.

The next day (yesterday) I was out in the lake with some cabin mates baptizing one of the girls. About 10 minutes later, after she was done, I looked for Kayla and sighed with relief as I saw she still had dry hair (I hadn't missed it! :) She was out there for a while, even helping baptizing her brother and one of her best friends from Charis. Hmm...maybe today wasn't her day. But I knew it was! Finally, after the pastor called one more time for people to get baptized if it was put on their hearts, Kayla finally relented and got in the H20! My heart was soaring...such a beautiful thing, so cool to see obedience. I remember how hard of a thing it was for me to do, to go up there. Got to pray over her along with our other sisters and it was so amazing to see her pray out and see the Spirit wash over her as she got baptized. Such joy!! And as I told her about the journal, she said, "you knew before I did!" HAHA! Love how the Lord works.

He is definitely romancing me like never before, and I am FINALLY putting some idols to death that needed to be stoned! Today has been awesome so far as I have been constantly praising Him and talking to Him. A little bit ago on my way back from math I told Him something like, "I feel like I am loving you...but can you give me a little taste of what You feel for me?" And I said, and before I get to Charis, preferably :) A few seconds later He said, "ohh, I'm surfing." What the heck, Jesus!?! Please explain. He said that he loved all the waves of love I was sending His way and that He was having a blast riding on them today! Amazingly enough, He said He was pleasantly surprised every time one came His way! I feel like before He had to deal with a pond...not much wave action as I was too consumed with school, eating, working out, Facebook, etc. ! Lord, let me constantly let out waves of love and affection to the Most High who is my everything, let me be content in every circumstance, and ALWAYS have some time and room to give to Him!

Lastly, my life verse in this season for me that I am loving:

Psalm 74:21-26

"Then I realized that my heart was bitter, and I was all torn up inside. I was so foolish and ignorant- I must have seemed like a senseless animal to you.

Yet I still belong to you; you hold my right hand.

You guide me with your counsel, leading me to a glorious destiny.

Whom have I in heaven but you?

I desire you more than anything on earth.

My health may fail, and my spirit may grow weak,

butu God remains the strength of my heart,

and He is mine forever."

WOOOHOOO! I have some more stories to share but I must go! The Lord is so good. Blessings to you.

PS> Please continue to pray for peace and provision for Costa Rica! It's coming up so soon! :) (June 17).

Love,

suse

I am...

2010-04-20T12:26:00.000-07:00

-a bad student right now...(in the process of finishing a 4 pg. argmentative paper due in 2 hours)

-feeling like I'm stuck in routine, routine, routine....

-feeling like I "am in ministry" (worship leading, small group leading, even group prayer) more than I can ever spend with Him alone

-feeling like I'm an awful friend to some

-a little stressed about $ for Costa Rica

-super EXCITED for Costa Rica

-wishing the sun was out

-MISSING MEXICO and the kids

-feeling super disconnected to my family

-struggeling with self-image

-learning a lot about self-control

-told that I am worship leader again next year

-without a SINGLE fault in the Lord's eyes (reading Colossians)

PHEW! just to name a few :) I guess that's why I haven't written for a while! Things are a bit crazy. I am clinging to Jesus as best I can, but it's been hard lately feeling Him there. I've been realizing why I have fallen into his awful cycle, and here are some lyrics that came into my head yesterday as I was talking to the Lord:

I have put You in a box

I have left You at the door

I have brushed You aside,

neglected and ignored You

And I cannot tell you

How much it pains me to hurt You

And I'm here to say

I want to return

I want to return

to the loving arms of Grace

I'm sorry, my Lord

Well I have to get back to that paper now but wanted to share a bit! The Lord is so good to me. blessings,

suse

A Prayer

2010-04-03T14:21:00.001-07:00

“May God bless you with discomfort at easy answers, half truths, and superficial relationships, so that you may live deep within your heart.
May God bless you with anger at injustice, oppression, and exploitation of people, so that you may work for justice, freedom and peace.
May God bless you with tears to shed for those who suffer from pain, rejection, starvation, and war, so that you may reach out your hand to comfort them and to turn their pain in to joy.
And may God bless you with enough foolishness to believe that you can make a difference in this world, so that you can do what others claim cannot be done.”

Beautiful, huh?! This is my prayer too..

I found this in a blog. (actually, a blog that I follow that is of an 18 yr old girl who moved to Costa Rica to teach high risk teenage girls typing and math skills in a slum for 9 months right out of high school...pretty addicting to read and her faith is so inspiring and it's getting me even more stoked to go there! :)

P.S> If you want to read one of her cool stories, here it is.
Day 108.
The Story of the Sandia
This morning I woke up with a craving for sandia. Watermelon.
So I decided to get some.
First I woke up at 5:30 and finished making a math test for my students. Then I thought of the watermelon.
Next I went on a run in the hot hot heat. Still, I thought of the watermelon.Then I sat myself on the bus and planned out the purchase. I would get to work, give my girls their test, and then buy the plump red perfection on my way home through downtown.
I got to La Carpio. My students presented their Infomercial assignments; I had told them to "sell" various geometric shapes, cramming lots of information about each two-dimensional form in a short amount of time. One group promised the rest of the class that a quadrilateral was the best deal on the market -- "We'll throw in not one, not two, not three, but FOUR angles!" That made me laugh.
Still, I thought of the watermelon.
After that, we spent thirty minutes on their vocabulary test. I read my book. And tasted the watermelon in my near future.
Once that was done, I hopped back on the bus. Only forty-five minutes left of this grueling anticipation.
Finally I had made it: I was in front of the fruit stand. It was staring me right in the face, as if every black seed from the quarter slice was an unblinking eye, begging to be consumed. I forked over 600 colones, about one dollar, knowing that I was getting ripped off (I can buy two pineapples for the same price). No matter. This was going to be a sacred snack.
Carrying my long-awaited juicy treasure through downtown, I began pondering the consumption. Should I eat it in the plaza? No, the piece was too big. I didn't have anything to cut it with...my 6'3" frame already provided enough clumsy attention.
I boarded my second bus and continued thinking. Should I just wait until I made it home, cut it there? No, there was an inedible, over-ripe watermelon waiting in the fridge. My host mother had bought it and would be confused why I had bought my own. It's a delicate thing, the relationship with a host family -- particularly when it comes to food. No, I couldn't eat it in my kitchen.
A broken woman with less teeth than fingers guided a pig-tailed girl through the crowded bus aisle. She began barking an oh-so-common woe-is-me life story, holding out dirty hands that had done dirty things. Again, the watermelon entered my mind -- should I eat it in the little park a block from my home, where the only thing that could mock my devouring was rainbow walls of graffiti? No...that was too dangerous, that park was empty for a reason.
"We have all made mistakes, all sinned," the words fell from her face like a band's first show, well-practiced but lacking presentation. "Solo Dios es perfecto...Only God is perfect." What if I just ate the watermelon alone in my room? Perhaps cut half of it to save for later, read some more. Here was something I had wanted for hours, had planned for, had savored the very thought of savoring it. What was the answer to my predicament?
We slammed on the brakes and words came rushing at me -- words from an unnamed taxi driver.
"The way I see it, every question, every worry, has a very clear solution. You have control of your actions. And if your question has no answer, if it isn't something you can fix, then why worry about it?"
Once more I saw eyes staring at me, but not the empty stare of seeds that would never be planted. No, these were the eyes of the innocent youngling gripping at her mother's drug-scarred body. As her mom drilled and droned, the daughter looked at me. I looked back. The tattered soul that jabbered on, the tired empty shell that life had gnawed on and spat out, the ex-convict, the mother, the person in front of me -- she had been that little girl once. She had let her own mother play with her hair, she had found joy in a lollipop, she had held someone's hand, held it tight.
At that instant the answer was clear. As fingers fumbled through coin purses that held the promises of meals, textbooks, and future days, I took one last look at the watermelon.
"Para su familia," I offered, "For your family."
The woman placed her hand on my head and gave me a genuine grin that life had filled with empty spaces. "Dios te bendiga, mi amor...God bless you, sweetheart."
I saw Jesus in that woman. And you know what? I decided that was what I was really craving all along.--Hannah

mExIcO

2010-03-31T16:26:00.000-07:00

Pepino (5)and I! He is the youngest of 5 brothers at the orphanage.

I've been trying to come up with words for this post, but my heart is still too achy.
The moment I got to Mexico I felt it was my home, the first time I was surrounded by the children, I felt they were mine, and when I asked Him to break my heart for what breaks His, He successfully did that so I was sobbing the night before I left.
But seriously--what am I doing here in school??--is the question and thought that plagues me daily. But I known firmly that God still has me here.
In my quiet time today, He revealed to me that before I go to the nations I must learn to love every orphan spirit and begin really serving and loving in one the most difficult--hard hearted environments.
I love little orphan (spirited) Mexican children! It is so much easier for me to love them. Now that I know that, I want to focus on those orphan spirits that are more difficult to pour out on.
He did so much in Mexico, stretched me a TON and I got to see His sweet faithfulness for bringing me there. I know someday, whether sooner or later, I will be back.
I will post more later and also have more pics too! Thanks so much for your prayers. Much love,
Suse

It's Official

2010-03-17T23:04:00.000-07:00

I'm going to Costa Rica for study abroad!!!
This June 17-August 1. Pretty crazy stuff. I don't have words, I'm so excited.

Also...I leave for Mexico in 2 days! Please be praying. I am also SUPER stoked for this.
It has been so cool to see Him provide for me in the last few weeks, it's so nice to see Him be Jehovah Jireh. I think sometimes He likes to mock my little faith by His great acts so I can trust Him again. Thanks for praying for my finances--I am learning to live day by day and though it is stressful at times--I am never shaken by it cuz I know Who owns the world!

Well, I am studying for my one and only final tomorrow..astronomy..:( I don't think my study habits will ever change...night before it is!! I still find it amusing that the Lord would bring me to college..knowing my level of motivation! But I am happy to say that I am super content being here even if I get a C in a class like astronomy! I am still loved the same by Him and He is pleased with my effort.
I will admit, I have had some hard days recently where I just want OUT of here and INTO where I belong...and orphanage in Mexico, Bolivia, loving on the poor...apparently He has more lessons to ingrain in me here! He is bringing me back to lessons I've already learned, which sometimes makes me frustrated-but it is good for me. I have to refocus myself on the HERE and the NOW and what God has in store at THIS season of my life.

However, I don't think I'll miss late night studying for pointless classes! :)

discouraging days

2010-03-14T16:46:00.000-07:00

I am SO thankful for so many things in my life. So hopeful for so many things. Trusting God with so much in my life.
And yet, I have days like today where I am just discouraged, especially about ever finding a husband. Sometimes I feel like I live in a hole (a Charis hole, for that matter) and I avoid social events, and I go to a church that has about 50 people, and live in a way where I rarely meet new people (though yes, this is my fault too).
I have days like today where I fear that I will be an old maid...forever. I can dream of the future but even these thoughts give me no hope if I have no assurance of it.
Days like these I have to completely refocus, STOP, and try to get a glimpse of Jesus' vast love for me and that He THRIVES on giving good gifts to His children. Also that I have the privilege of being part of the Bride of Christ.
This is an amazing thought, that God would make a man out of the dust, create generations and all ethnicities of people, love them despite their endless wrongdoings due to an ugly enemy, love them faithfully even though they turn their back countless times, and then want to take them for a BRIDE. This kind of love I will never know, and Jesus, I am honored and humbled even to get to have a relationship with you.
Today I am a little discouraged and impatient, but the fun part is that as I wait on the Lord and pour my life into HIM, I will get to see Him bring a man out of nowhere someday (Lord willing)and see His faithfulness in knowing every desire of my heart. I am thankful that I have this time to learn fulfillment in the Lord alone, how to love Him more fully, how to become more selfless and giving (both for God and for my future husb) and to become prepared in the way He has designed me to be.
Sometimes I think....are all my dozens of letters to him and my purity going to waste if I never have him? But whatever happens, I say to myself, NO. How much more should I long to be pure for the Lord, and not just an earthly male that will never be able to fully satisfy me??
This is a hard lesson, these are hard days, but I will run the race strong, and finish strong.
Thanks dear friends for your prayers.
suse

What's in a Name

2010-03-11T18:17:00.000-08:00

So...my last name is Omundson, originally "Amundsen" from our Norwegian relatives.
Today I was randomly looking up names/meanings online and I ran into:
{Amund=divine protection}
WOW! crazy. It's ironic (well with God, nothing is ironic) because as I mentioned, when I gave my testimony the main theme that came up was that God was my PROTECTOR. I have seen His hand protect me in COUNTLESS situations and I know He will continue to every day of my life--even if it looks different than I imagine. It is part of who He is, part of His divine good nature. Praise the Lord!
Coupled with my name that means "lily", I am doing pretty well! HA! :)

Miracle!

2010-03-10T11:39:00.000-08:00

Ever since my aunt Megan (and uncle Chris) in Wheaton, Illinois had their son Bjorn 9years ago, they have desperately wanted more kids. My aunt especially always wished for lots of little kids. However, the time they had Bjorn was a miracle, and following that they tried in vitro countless times to no avail. And it was just physically impossible for my aunt to conceive naturally. Everyone pretty much accepted, including Megan and Chris, that they couldn't and wouldn't have anymore, and they grew to be content with that.
Throughout the years though, I PRAYED and PRAYED. I don't think anything broke my heart more to see this wonderful, patient, wise, beautiful, God-filled, fun, generous, creative, etc. mother want more kids and not be able to have more (even though she poured everything she had into Bjorn and was/is so grateful for him).

YESTERDAY...9 YEARS LATER...I get a text from my aunt: {"Susie, ready for another cousin?"} AHHHHHHHHHHHHH! I shrieked and jumped up and down for joy for a good 5 minutes. Apparently they had decided to do one more round of in vitro. She said it was truly a miracle. Although she is only a little over a month along, she says it's the furthest she's ever gone. PLEASE pray with me that this baby will continue to grow healthy and strong, that she will not miscarry, and that my aunt will be healthy. By the way, she is 40, so obviously there are higher risks. But I am PRAISING THE LORD for His goodness and faithfulness. I pray that He would continue to give her the desires of her heart and that this would totally make her fall in love with Him on a new level. He has already done a miracle.
WOOOOHOOOO!!!!

**an additional note...she had a %0-5 of conceiving from the last round of in vitro..GOD LOVES TO BEAT THE ODDS!!!

Redeemed

2010-03-07T20:50:00.000-08:00

Well, in a nutshell, Jesus is GOOD! If you know what I mean!
Thank you so much for praying about my testimony. The Lord flashed down His awesome supernatural rays of peace and freedom and He let me be BOLD and TRANSPARENT (the 2 words He gave me for this year) and say exactly what I needed to say. I was nervous for about 10 seconds and as soon as I started I was able to look all of the 46 girls in the eyes and not be discouraged. THAT is the Holy Spirit in me!
One of the girls in my house is awesome and sends super right-on mass verse texts every day and this is the one she sent the day I gave my testimony (her completely forgetting about my testimony later):

{"But Moses pleaded with the Lord, 'O Lord, I'm not very good with words. I never have been, and I'm not now, even though you have spoken to me. I get tongue tied, and my words get tangled'. Then the Lord asked Moses, 'Who makes a person's mouth? Who decides whether people speak or do not speak, hear or do not hear, see or do not see? Is it not I, the Lord? Now go! I will be with you as you speak, and I will instruct you in what to say." -Ex. 4:10-11}

It was so cool hearing my story as I spoke it. I never thought it was anything special or unique until I gave it. I am blown away by the places the Lord has brought me to...and the theme throughout my story was PROTECTOR and friend. He has protected me in so many ways that I can't see until now, and that He has always been my constant companion and bestest friend.
I spoke of the great things God has done...and how He has redeemed/is redeeming the ugly parts of my life. It feels so good (mainly afterwards) to be so transparent, especially as the worship leader and a small group leader. I feel afterwards I had such huge weights lifted off of me and that He was weeping with joy. Now what the Lord is working in me is to reflect a humble love that comes from Him alone, that was the root of Him dying for us.
After my story, I have gotten a chance to have some real good conversations with the girls. One of my own roommates told me that "we needed to talk" and we went out on a date where she spilled some deep isues-stones unturned- and we got to see God's hand of redemption move.
I could talk for hours about how the Lord is moving in our house and unifying us, and the work of repentance he's churning in us. It's also exciting as we're almost finished with determining management for next year and how the Lord has confirmed so many things through so many people and how cool He is.
I am in such a good-restful-joyful-peaceful place right now. Praise the Lord.
Well, now on to my Spanish presentation that's due tmro....:)
Thanks for reading. Love you guys!
Suse

Tidbits

2010-02-23T12:18:00.001-08:00

Well, since it has been a while since my last post, I thought I would share little tidbits about my life.
{3 weeks+ 1 day of finals till Spring break (or Mexico, I should say!) The Lord has graciously provided for this trip-even though I can't SEE all the provision yet-He has given me the go ahead for it! Another way to stretch my trust. If I haven't talked much about it, I will be going-change that to driving down in 2 vans- with about 13 other girls mainly from my house (along with our awesome, amazing cook and a dad) to Tijuana Mexico. We will be staying in an orphanage and mainly helping out there, loving on kids, and possibly helping out in a nearby hospice, etc. I am SOO excited and this will be my first time in a Spanish speaking country. I'm sure you'll hear more about this trip in the upcoming weeks (and definitely afterwards :)

{I had my Costa Rica interview last week (all in Spanish) and PTL I think it went pretty well! I really have no worries about getting in or not because God is in control. This is for my study abroad trip this June 17-July 31st. I am also super stoked for this. But at times struggeling and burdened about the financial aspects of it all

{One of my best friends Whitney (roomie from last year) is getting married this August 7th and I will get to sing and play in her wedding! She is one of the most beautiful women of the Lord I have ever met and am so excited for them. Her fiance is serving the military in Iraq right now and it has been hard for them to be apart for almost 11 months, but they have grown even more so because of it. And a huge blessing, they will probably be moving back to Corvallis next year as he finishes school.

{Even though it was over a week ago, I had a FABULOUS valentines day. One of my best friends (Amy's) dad "Papa Hood" insisted that he take his daughter valentine (me) out to lunch and I was so blessed. Papa and Mama Hood have truly taken me in like a daughter and I am blown away by their generosity, grace, kindness, humor, and example of a great marriage. Then, my roommate and friend Rebecca and I spontaneously decided to go to the beach. 45 minutes later, we arrived to Newport, and it ended up being SUNNY and BEAUTIFUL and not even that cold! It was a glorious, healing day and was just what we needed. Rebecca had just broken up with her boyfriend of 5 years as led by the Lord and it was so cool to sing and dance around on the beach to "I am free to run!". The day ended with a little Yogurt Extreme (the new, most delicious ice cream place a few blocks down). I felt so spoiled by the Lord.

{The sunny weather! The last week was full of sunny (ok, still a little cold :) days and that is always a reason for me to rejoice. I LOVE the time when spring is just around the corner. If you live/have lived in Oregon, you know what I mean. It's like a personal gift from God to me.

{Ok, so I am for sure sharing my testimony with the house this next Monday, March 1! I have felt so much more peace about it, but I would still really appreciate your prayers. I know naturally I will be super nervous and just dreadful. Pray the SUPERNATURAL will come over me and Jesus will wrap me up in His arms. I am spending at least an hour every day this week just praying about it and letting the Lord prepare me. I am super excited to just do it and have it over with!

{BTW the day after those lyrics came to me, I sat down at the piano and Jesus gave me a whole new melody for it and the rest of the song! One girl in my house was particularly blessed by it and I am praising the Lord. This has been a huge year of developing and realizing my gifting--not to take pride in it, obviously--but not to hide it! And not to keep it for myself but to bless and nurture others through it!

{My favorite verse to meditate on recently: 1 Cor 2:9- "No eye has seen, no ear has heard, and no mind has imagined what God has prepared for those who love Him." I can be confident that no matter what dreams or desires of mine ever get fulfilled, if I am abandoned to loving Him and hearing His heart and following Him wholeheartedly, I will never be disappointed. THANK YOU JESUS!

{Which reminds me, in the last few weeks I had been stressed out about my major and what I was going to do with it. I had considered dropping the education aspect of it and just doing Spanish and HDFS (human development and family services) so I could do orphangage stuff someday. I was just trusting the Lord and laying it before Him. Then, last Thursday morning I woke up, and I felt at complete peace to keep my education minor and go in the teaching route. The Lord could completely change this by the time I graduate, but as of now, I am excited to teach!!! I am thinking now of something like ESL for elementary kids. I realized I was hesitant in this area because I didn't believe in my capabilities and was fearful of potential failure. But then I look back at how I was 4 and fist wanted to be a teacher, and how i taught imaginary school every day for countless years. I feel it has always been ingrained in me. I don't think most other children got whiteboards or an overhead for their birthday! I still have such a passion to live abroad and love on poor and needy children, or to work for IJM, so we will see how the Lord will lead! It is exciting..and still far away. My life and plans are held out to Him with open hands...

{I don't know if this is normal or not for a 19 year old, but I have had such an intesnse desire this year just to HAVE KIDS! Somedays I am so impatient to be a MOTHER! I am savoring this time in my life, but many days I can't help but look ahead. I am obsessed with names. My favorite names right now are {Fe, Mairyn, Luceia, Ellarie, Aivelyn} and {Kiam, Abel, Kaedmon, Noam and Job}. Lord grant me patience! Somedays I fear it will never happen...but I am trying to focus on the here and now and the growth the Lord is doing in me now and intimacy with Him.

Well I think that is most of it....I must get ready for class now but more to come in the near future! Thanks for reading! The Lord is good. Love you devoted friends!
Suse

PS Here are some pics of the beach!

Half a Lyric.....Testimony

2010-02-05T18:03:00.000-08:00

So last night, I was trying to go to bed early (11:30 ish) and I couldn't. I was sort of just thinking and praying for a while and the lyrics,
{I get lost in Your eyes, and found in Your love}
popped in my head with a melody. I kept repeating it in my head and eventually I knew I wouldn't fall asleep anytime soon, so I took my guitar and journal down to the prayer room and waited to see if more would come. I got to
{I get lost in Your eyes, and found in Your love
Wrecked by Your grace, and saved by your beauty
There is no one else like You}
I was a little frustrated that I wasn't getting any verses or anything else for this song. I was using precious hours of sleep! i thought to myself vaguely.
I learned last night that sometimes He has to use different methods to get me to "come away with Him". I probably wouldn't have spent that little time with Him if He had just whispered..."Get up! I want tell you something..." as lame as that sounds. I probably would have just said, "You can tell me from here if it's important!" :)But he knows how songs get to my heart! :) I love how funny He is. It was a sweet half hour or so with the Lord that I wouldn't have gotten had I stayed in bed. And, I realized that even if the song doesn't come to fruition, the words were meaningful to me at that point in time, and the Lord was blessed just by me singing that little chorus over and over.

Prayer Request: God has put it strongly on my heart to share my testimony with my house (at our mon. night meeting). The last few testimonies have been very vulnerable, very powerful-girls sharing very deep and hard things, confessing things for the first time...and each time I knew I was supposed to as well. I REALLY am not wanting to right now, especially as I will be sharing sins and other parts of my life that are hard to talk about, in front of 46 other girls. But I know that if I want those areas of my life to be healed, I need to "confess your sins to each other and pray for each other so that you may be healed." I know that all the girls are so full of grace, and they will still love and accept me the same, but even if they didn't my prayer is that I would put transparency above a good reputation. I think I will be giving it Mon. Feb 22. Please just pray that the Lord would be preparing me until that time, giving me wisdom and things I need to say or leave out, and giving me peace, freedom and joy.
Thank you so much! I appreciate all your prayers, and am thankful that the Lord hears them.
Susannah

Dramas

2010-01-29T17:21:00.000-08:00

http://www.facebook.com/home.php?#/video/video.php?v=1107064157369

Every Friday, a bunch of us go in front of the library (on campus) and do these dramas. I'm hoping the above link works so you can get a little taste of it...this is from last year.
Honestly, doing it for over a year now, we have not seen much visible fruit from it. {The dramas, if you don't know, are done to different songs that display the gospel}
However, many, many people have seen/see them. We do them faithfully for the Lord because we never know how many seeds are being planted in people, and we know the Spirit works in mysterious ways. We are also open to praying healing for people as they walk by and are making a more conscious effort to listen to the Spirit when opportunities arise. Today, two different guys who didn't appear to be believers came up to us to tell us how cool it was/what a great job we did. I firmly believe that hearts are softening and that the harvest is ripe. I believe there are so many people that are willing to seek Him and receive from Him if only they get a little whiff, a little nudge.
Please keep us in your prayers if you remember!
Blessings,
Susannah

Two Things

2010-01-22T22:20:00.000-08:00

I'm grateful for in the spiritual realm that aren't true in reality:
1) An open door to God's presence. I realize I spend lots of time entering in codes to get into my house, spouting off ID numbers to get into the gym, or on the computer to get to email, facebook, Blackboard (the school system), etc. Passwords to get into EVERYTHING it seems! But Jesus tells us in Hebrews 10:19-20, "And so, dear brothers and sisters, we can boldly enter heaven's Most Holy Place because of the blood of Jesus. By his death, Jesus opened a new and life-giving way through the curtain into the Most Holy Place." COOL! It seems like to have access to this glorious place would require a significant password. But even though I don't deserve it, I can enter the throne time at ANY point in time I wish. My wish is that I would want to be in that place more and more. But then again, it DOESN'T really surprise me, because HE IS Jesus, and as He strongly desires us to be in a flowing, growing relationship, he gives me the chance to seek Him at any given time. Wow.
2) Relating to #1, the ability to consume more and more of Him. I just went to Winco and got some delcious groceries. Not having healthy snack food/weekend food for a while, today I just wanted to eat everything, at least a little bit of everything. But I know that if I did that, the food wouldn't spread out as long and I can't afford that. I am soo grateful that He never runs out, and that His desire IS for me to partake more, just like in Esther 1:8, "By edict of the king, no limits were placed on the drinking, for the king had instructed all his palace officials to serve each man as much as he wanted." We don't have to worry about there not being more of His surprise, blessings, love, provision, joy, ETC or having to "spread it out" when we do encounter it.

An old song lyric that has been running through my head:
.....{Lord, You have my heart, and I will search for Yours}.......
I love knowing that God is a jealous God. I love that God puts jealousy in my own life so that I can see a glimpse of his jealousy for me. It makes me sad that people..myself included at times.. can't see that goodness in the Lord's jealousy, especially when reading the Old Testament. But it is all out of love.
Well, after that little rabbit trail, I hope you have a glorious day and hope you partake more and more of Jesus without end!

Susannah

Practically Speaking

2010-01-20T13:21:00.000-08:00

I spend a LOT of time walking up and down stairs here at OSU. Stairwells always make me kind of depressed; maybe because I'm dreading the next class I have to go to, or they wipe me out (ha), or I just feel isolated from everyone walking by me. Whatever the case, I probably spend an average of 15 minutes just walking up the stairs each day. (Staircases here are not QUITE as gloomy as the one shown, but that's kind of how I feel). Maybe I don't like staircases because I feel like I have to go, go, go, and it seems impossible to stop and shed light on someone's day. It feels like an endless cycle.
Sometimes, metaphorically, I just feel like I'm walking up and down stairs, and not really getting anywhere. Or stopping anywhere. I feel I am inadequate to fulfill my biggest heart's desire, to love God with all my heart, and to love my NEIGHBOR as I do myself. That's one part that is SO hard being in a secular, very very dark environment. There is SO much darkness that I have to constantly pray for joy and worship Jesus or else I'll fall apart!
I have been hearing Matthew 5:16 in my head for a while now: {In the same way, let your light shine before men, that they may see your good deeds and praise your Father in heaven.} I want to talk less and listen more. I want what I say to be gracious and attactive. I want to treat each person I encounter like the one.
How do I give a whiff of Jesus to my astronomy lab teacher, a bald woman who has cancer and is undergoing chemo and radiation? Or the more awkward guys in my swing dancing class? Or the students to my left in right in Spanish and German?
I want to be so drenched in His presence that I can't help but give some off when I talk to people...or even just send them a smile. I think I have been waiting for huge opportunities when Jesus really just wants me to recognize the small moments when I can give Him glory.
Well I must go to class now. Have a blessed day!
suse

Welcome~Bienvenidos~Wilkommen

2010-01-18T19:27:00.000-08:00

Hello Dear Friends....
well, welcome to my new blog, which I decided to start up for a fresh start and to try to capture more of the daily/little things in my life instead of blogging a ton over the span of 11 years! Well, maybe not 11 years....:) I am truly going to be better about blogging more so keep checking back in!
This is a little daunting because there is SO much I want to share with the world that I have been learning, and I don't even know where to start. BUT I will give it another shot!
MY LIFE NOW IN A {big} nutshell:
I am in a GOOD place. A place that consists of a lot of healing, tears, and convictions, but also a place where I am seeing the Lord's love, goodness and creativity abound. Like the song says, "the more I seek Him, the more I find Him. The more I find Him, the more I love Him." I have also noticed that "the more I love Him, the more I trust Him."
Previously I have not really shared my world of being single. I want to start opening it up more because I a)am really starting to relish this time and want to encourage others in it b)have been convicted the past few months of WHY have been/am single right now c)want to share my struggles and joys d)would like you to know how to pray if you feel led :)
I am currently reading a book called "When God Writes Your Love Story" by Eric and Leslie Ludy, and it is changing my world. In short, it is making me so thankful for the purity that I have and the way the Lord has and is protecting me, relieved that if I let Him "have the pen to my love story" I will not be disappointed, amazed that He has only my best interests in mind, and so trusting that He can and will give me above and beyond what I had in mind.
A key process is happening in my singleness now, and that is {finding ALL of my satisfaction, joy and security in the Lord, and letting Him become the center of my life, in all that I say and do} WOW. This is such a big one and one I believe I can improve on for the rest of my time on earth.
Sorry to be jumping around, but when I mentioned above, "the more I love Him, the more I trust Him" it was because of my previous mistrust in the Lord that I subconsciously harbored. I felt that because nothing had/has ever happened to me in the romantic realm, that deep down maybe He wanted me to be miserable or that maybe I was doing something wrong. But now He has revealed so much to me, and I am so confident that He has great plans for me, no matter what. I am aware of His heart for me, so full of love and so wanting to pour out blessings. I am in a place of trust. I am also just falling SOOO deeply in love with Him to a place I've never been. It's incredible! It is a joy to serve Him and love Him and can't wait for our relationship to grow and grow. I am SO grateful for who He is, and know that I don't deserve a bit of it.
Anyways, sorry this was a little longer, but please keep peeking in to hear the latest and greatest! (or not so greatest)
Love and blessings,
Susannah